Snaugen es.

I know it's kind of weird but I like it when my eyes are dialated. I think they make me more pretty by making my eyes look huge. Idk man. It amazes me though how my eyes can just be like that.

"idk how she does it. She just does."

Maybe I should just stay away from society for a week this time of the month.

Anyway, successful spa party!!! Especially the fact that it was for two people. MY MOM and my auntie who can barely speak English. Amaaazing!! Especially my mom dude. I tried selling products to her months ago. That didn't work. -_- haha but yes I'm proud. I'm still kind of disappointed though because I know I could have done even better. Ah, oh well. No time to be sorry for myself. Tomorrow will be tomorrow.

I think I have a mini me, Isagani Wagayen!!! Yaaay! Spa party prince and princess. ;)

What?

I don't know what you are to me anymore. You don't try to make me happy at all. You don't even want to be around me when I'm unhappy. You can at least be there for me when I need you.

Ahhh

I miss having someone that can just make you feel better. You can go to them with a problem or whatever. Or maybe you're like just sad or whatever and they'll make you happy. Make you a little more positive and you can move on with your day. This is taking too long. Laying down here and trying to be happy on your own.

"don't you ever feel alone?"

So yes everything is getting harder and I've learned again for the millionth time that no one is there for me. >:o!!!!! Eventhough I would like my lovers to help me out when I effing need them but goddamn. They don't even want to talk to me AT ALL when I'm just a littttttttle down in the dumps. My boyfriend doesn't even want to talk to me when I'm just a little sad or upset. Ugggggh fail me. That's why I love him so much in the first place!!! When everyone failed me, he would always be there. Well efffff that mfn crap. I guess I forgot what it meant to be independent. I forgot that before I was able to handle all this without anybody. Man but then I got comfortable and I got use to it which isn't a good thing. So all I gotta do now is to just force myself to be that way eventhough it hurts. Eventhough I cry every effing night because I have no one to turn to. Even if I get so angry I hella swear I'm about to kill someone. Even.... Whatever. Like anyone
reads this anyway. >:o

Oh oh OHHHHhHHHHh it kills me when people ask ME for help. I'm not nice anymore. I'm not gonna help you, you selfish bzs. Do it yourself.

Ghettonezzzz

I don't think Paradise Valley hospital is legit. This is some ghetto hospital in a ghetto nasty city. I knew a lot of people who died here and idk man.... After watching Sicko, I think they could have lived. Especially this morning, actually I'm still here, the optometry people are giving me a hard time. Ugggghhh I don't even want to explain!!! My appoitment hasn't even started yet! They still need to stick random stuff in my eye and blind me for a couple hours. Ugh man. Hurry up Obama so people like me don't gotta suffer no more.

Other things that have bothered me this morning..... Not having a computer and printer. Also the fact that for some reason there aren't any customer forms on the USANA website. Ahhhhhh I'm not printing out forty unnecessary pages!!!!! We need to be greeen. But uhm whatever. I'll find a way. >_>

So I was filling out some forms and it asked me if I've ever done these illegal things and I effing said yez dude. Visit me in jail guys. :'( I hope the doctor doesn't ask me anything about it in front of my dad though omg. I would be a goner hahah. Or just imagine if my mom was here instead. O_o disaster.

I'm the only youg person here. Everyone here is hella old dude and omg they keep looking at me. I hate struggling with medical insurance and alla that bullshiz. Obama needsa do something now. >:o little blind people like me can't see!!!! x_x

Crash and burn.

This is so hard. I don't like how no one wants to help me one bit. Like they want me to fail.

Shhh..

He said he didn't even like talking to me. Statements like that make me question why we're even together. Why would you want to be with someone who you don't even like talking to? How can you communicate? And it makes sense now why we fight so much. We can't even communicate right. I don't know what to do. I have always known that Ive talked too much. I know I'm blunt and loud. I know I'm too honest. Maybe I should do the complete opposite now and maybe he'll actually like talking to me. I wonder what the old me would say. She never really expressed what was on her mind. She just kept thoughts to herself. It kills me now if I can't say something out loud. I guess I have to start doing that. I just hate holding things in because they always all explode out of nowhere. Sometimes I feel like he's only in love with the old me.

Well I don't know what to do now. Talk or dont talk? I guess I'll give him that weekend he wanted to himself. I love him so much. I hope he likes talking to me again. Maybe I should talk about more interesting stuff. I'm such a granny. :(

A mission.

I am still drunk and my mom is on the way to my house to take me to swap meet. This better be quick dude. All I need is socks and I'm out.

I felt like crap when I woke up dude. I felt like the world was ending. I felt like I had nothing. I felt the way I usually do after I roll. Super depressed and hopeless. It was really weird. I don't know what to do. My mom is yelling at me. Idk where my car is. My dad isn't answering. I really just can't handle this right now.

Let's go.

I've never been so heart broken in my life. I've never been so sure of anything ever. But you know I've learned that everyone in your life is a teacher. Everyone you know is an angel sent to you to teach you something. I've learned a lot from him. A whooole lot! It's just too bad that it couldn't last forever like I thought it would be. It's like everything I believed in was a lie.

I wonder how many times I have said this, but Disney should be sued for these crazy fairy tales and the fact that true love lasts forever.

Anyway, goodnight. Or goodmorning. Yeah whatever.

You can have it.

Sometimes I'm afraid that we can't be together because we don't share the same values.

Sweet dreams.

I had a nightmare last night. It was actually a nightmare in a nightmare. I was really scared and I was crying. I didn't want to go back to sleep but I did fall asleep eventually. I couldn't really talk about my dream to anyone because I didn't want to think about it but at the same time I wanted to.

So this morning I decided to decipher it. A lot of it made sense. Like it was kind of creepy how accurate it was. It helped me realize certain things. Like I guess it helped admit to myself certain problems that I'm having or trying to ignore. A lot of it made so much sense to me that it was crazy. There were some of it that was bad and really negative but I'm not going to pay attention to those. A dream can't shape my reality.

Honestly....

I know we don't hang out as much as we use to but you guys are the only thing that gets me through the day. When I feel like giving up and when everything feels like it's going downhill, I think of you guys. Those little texts and random calls you give me make me so happy. You have no idea how it makes me feel!! I feel so good knowing that eventhough we don't see each other anymore, I'm still having some kind of impact on your lives. I love how I'm an inspiration to you. I love how you look up to me. It makes me want to become more responsible because I don't want to do something wrong and mess up. I love how you guys see something in me that I can't even see. Like how I'm so hardworking and driven. It's pretty crazy. It really just makes my day.

It really hurts though that the one person in my life doesn't feel that way about me anymore. But it doesn't matter because I still have my friends. <3

What?

It seems like it's just not going to work anymore!! Ever since convention I've been questioning it. I've been thinking about it everyday.

Oops.

You know I think this is just all a misunderstanding. I probably just read everything wrong. I am kind of dumb sometimes. He loves me. :) I shouldn't worry about anything.

Goodmorning.

I'm not having the best morning. We have to pack and clean up today. Then go on that twelve hour drive back home to San Diego. I also woke up to some disappointing text messages.

Last night or early this morning he was telling me how I shouldn't drink and do drugs. But you know I was like you're doing the same thing. Then he goes on to tell me that I'm more important and that he puts me before him. Weird right? Then I'm like telling him that he's important to me too and that he should quit. Then I get a text back saying that he never will. Now this just hurts me the most. I'm willing to do that for him because I love him so much but he's not willing to do it for me. I'm not gonna be mean and make him choose one or the other. It's the thought. I must not be important enough. He must not love me enough to be able to quit or at least cut down. It doesn't seem right that one side of the relationship seems to be putting in work while the other side is doing whatever. I'm so hurt. Maybe this is just another problem we have to work together to overcome. Or maybe I just read the text wrong but then again he didn't call me. His away
message doesn't say he's at home or anything. I've called him but no answer. It worries me. He says don't get too wasted blah blah. He's probably too drunk too function. Too drunk to care about me. Too drunk to even call me. When you black out, that's when people take advantage of you. He tells me this all the time and I never black out. I never fall asleep around people. I take care of myself. I known I can be a hypocrite sometimes, but this is like major hypocriteness.

Our relationship is hanging on a thread. I'm not sure what to do. I love him so much and I'm willing to help fix this, but is he?

1234

I still get those crazy butterflies everytime I hear our song.
I feel the same exact way I felt when I first heard it.

I'm so in love with James Rachal. <3

ughidkhtf.

I'm feeling pretty selfish and spoiled. I don't think I am but it's how I'm feeling right now. I just went with my dad to get money for my car. I saw how much was left in his account and it doesn't look so good. I'm not sure how long it is going to last for him and I don't know what his next paycheck is going to be. Am I really selfish? Just taking this money away from him? I just want to pay him back. I know it'll be faster this time. I really do have hope now.

srszli.

So I saw my pediatrician this morning. Just a normal check up. Towards the end he asked me if I had any questions or anything. I did. I was telling him how I've been having a lot of suicidal dreams lately and how I start walking around half asleep thinking that the world is going to end. I'm afraid sometimes that I can seriously hurt myself. Like kill myself because in my mind at that moment, for some reason I feel like I have to. I don't know how to explain these dreams. I just feel so sad and hopeless. The only way for me to get of of this state, is to just go back to sleep again. But I want to stop feeling like this. Sometimes I feel like it random times in the day. Like I just have these random thoughts.

But anyway. I was telling him all about that and then my mom goes oh it's probably something she's been watching on TV. Okay no.... -_- I don't think Spongebob and black TV shows are making me feel suicidal. She didn't take me seriously. She never does. Like the whole counseling thing several months ago. Yeah that was all bs. That did not help at all. My pediatrician did ask me if I was having a hard time with something or if I was feeling depressed. I lied and said no but he did give me a number to call. It better not be the suicidal hotline. >_> I wonder how many of these cards I've got in the past year.

I hate how people can't take me seriously. Like when I was having trouble with the car, no one believed me. Now we must all suffer and pay for the damages. Boo hoo. I'm not sure what I can do. I've changed the way I dress. I don't talk back anymore. Even if they are wrong. Eh idk.

Gingko plz

So many things go on through my head that I really can't just type them down.

One thing. Even if you have the closest and bestest of friends, they're not always going to be there for you. If anything, you only really have yourself. But it gets hard sometimes when you just need someone you know? And there's no one there. It's tough to be all on your own. Especially when you hate the human race.

Second. People will see you for who you are today and not the person who you can become. It's like people don't believe in you or trust you. So heartbreaking. :'( but whatever. Or like when people argue and they only point out the negative. Like they say something and in your head you're like wtheck seriously, when was the last time I did that? Yeah that's annoying. Or like when people sometimes seem to have no hope. Like they just give up. Like you know if they weren't mad they wouldn't do that haha. But dude sometimes I wish people can just be mad for like a few minutes and not for hours. I think I bitch for five minutes then my head is back on after that. Then I have to deal with angry people for the rest of the day because they won't cool their pants off.

Third. I was an amazing person before. I was just thinking about it. What made me so great was the fact that I was so independent. I depended on no one. I'm serious. I depended on noooo one!! Not even in team projects in school haha. Even when someone would let me down, I would be fine with it. I would just let it go. After being with someone who use to hella take care of you is finally gone, that's when you learn that you have to be on your own. And that's what I did. I was a pretty good person too. Like I was an angel. I'm not going to lie haha. But then that incident happened where friends back stabbed, drama started, and other dumb stuff that didn't make sense came out of nowhere. Ah... That's where I pretty much lost faith in everything. I think that's where I lost it. Grades went down dude. Like wtf 3.8 to 1.8? That's some serious business. Yeah and some other stuff. Blah blah. I don't feel like typing my life story.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I have to be independent again. I have to stop depending on other people. I need to learn how to be on my own. I'm just disappointing myself by putting trust into people and just being let down. Don't be sad, but I can't even rely on the closest people to me. You know honestly it feels like people realize I'm alive when they're drunk or on drugs. Like they suddenly realize that I exist. They call me. Tell me how much they love me and miss me. How we should hang out. They tell me how much of an inspiration I am to them. How much I mean to them in their lives. It sounds all so nice but when they're sober it's like what they said wasn't true. I think it is true though. Partially maybe. I just don't understand why they can't do this normally.

Anyway, I'm pretty much losing my mind. I seriously have lost faith in everything. Everything I believed in seems to be a big fat lie. I don't know. I just wish I had someone. I wish people can see that I'm trying to change and that I have improved as a person. This summer has taught me so much but everyone seems to not see that.

It hurts so much. I cry every night. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't have direction. I don't know where I'm going.