Beautiful day.

I didn't go to school today, but I know I should have. I feel like I'm going to be missing out on a lot today. But uhhh yeah, I really don't care. I don't know where my dad is. I was going to go back to whatever period is next but I have no one to take me anyway. >_> I do need to be back when school ends. I need to get my phone and give Danna her shoes back.

I'm going to be a bit graphic here.... but I hella took a shit earlier man. Like it was a lot. Even I was like, "Damn." Hahaha. But I do feel better some reason... a little lighter. x] and I don't know, clean? I don't know why I keep using the bathroom like that. You know they say you have to go poo like everyday right? Well, I don't go everyday. It's more like two or three times a week and it's ususally a lot. There must be something wrong with me.

Eh so I totally lost my glasses. They're in my room somewhere though I just don't know where. So I was glassless like all day yesterday. I thought I would be suffering and dying, but it was alright. This must be a sign though to get new glasses. You're suppose to get check ups once a year. I haven't had one for two and I think my vision has improved since then. /)_x My mom won't schedule me an appointment with my optometrist until Friday. -__- She doesn't know how urgent this is. I need glasses like tomorrow. x_x

So uhm gameplan for today? I really don't know. I guess whereever the wind takes me. I really need to talk to Daysha though. It's weird sometimes. Daysha can always understand me. Like it's weird. It's like she has gone through it already but I know she hasn't. >__>

Okay so I pushed another boy away from me today. I did it once before and I regretted it. Ugh man, will I ever learn? I keep doing this.

Sorry, can't finish blog. Gotta gtfo of here.

Focus.

I was reading Slaughterhouse- Five in English today and it was talking about how the Tralfamadorians were saying that humans should really try learning how to ignore the negative and only concentrate on the positive.

SO like right now I feel like shit and I just want to kill myself. I was just like hm I should think about the positives today and I was going to like type it all out but yeah,.... negatives outweigh the positives. Yeah and for some reason I don't even want to think about the positives. I don't even know if anything nice happened today. Maybe a few. Who knows.

But geez man I don't know why my mind has been so negative lately. I really don't know what to do. I want to get out of this hole of depression but then at the same time I don't. I just want to end it now. It's the perfect day. I ruined everything for myself already. It's a beautiful day. I mean, why not?

Oh man oh man. I just seriously want to go live in an aslyum. I think I'm going crazy. I don't want to be around people or anything. I just want to be by myself.

I'm being such an emo bitch. I'm gonna fucking shoot myself. >__>

Ummmm but I don't know. Everything is so bad right now. I don't know how to fix this.

04397958326014597340. uh yeah im fucking out.

Epic

Oh man! I'm blogging! What?! Yeah I know. It's been a while. :( I've been actually really busy. I'm not even kidding! I'm always doing something. Yeah but that's all going to change now that my six weeks are over and I don't have to go insane about deadlines and what not.

Since I've got that out of the way, I'm really going to focus more in school now. Or at least try to. I think we have eight more weeks. It seems really short and I have to do some crazyness to get at least a 4.0. I know pretty crazy huh? But I know I can bring my 1.3 up there! Hahaha don't doubt me!!

So I'm actually at the salon right now getting my hair done. James was all freaking out because he doesn't want my hair any shorter. I don't want it to be shorter either but I have to! These split ends and dead hair is killing me!! Besides, if I get a trim my hair will grow even faster.

I really don't think that I want to get my hair dyed anymore. I don't like this feeling of putting all these chemicals and who knows what on my head. It might even be making me stupider! The chemicals could be seeping through my pores and into my brain! Ayaiyai. The reason why I say this is that my head is burning! Like WTF is this?! It hurts. I just wanna wash my hair out already. Plus it's itchy and I can't scratch. -_-

On the other hand, I'm trying out for all female. Everyone is like omg Kimberly is trying out for everything! That's true. I was in twirl for two years and I was in step this year. But at least I made the teams I tried out for. There are some people, I won't mention names LOL, that try out for literally EVERYTHING and don't make it. Haha sorry but I kind of think it's funny. But idk. I was kind of doubting myself in the beginning of the week because I wasn't sure if I could do choreography. Like I can dance... I guess HAHA but idk. >_> one team I tried out for and didn't make it was IDK. It's okay though. I'm like a super slow learner haha. I'm glad we have like two weeks and not three hours! It's only Saturday and I think I have it down. Or almost. Whatever.

Um I'm not really sure what to blog about now. My hair is killing me. I want to wash my hair out like right now!!!! My mom is looking at me like I'm insane. I was telling her how all these chemicals were making me uncomfortable. Haha how ironic in a way. x)

Okay well I hope everyone has a good day. It's going to be a great weekend with beautiful weather! Go outside today for a change. Oooh and Earth Day celebration is tomorrow at Balboa!! I think the team is going tomorrow. :):)

I'm going to blog more!! Hopefully everyday! Ttyl. ;)

I'm sorry, but I want to give up.

It's so bad now. I'm so sick of everything. I've been worked too hard and been pushed way over the edge. I can't stand how things are. I try to change and fix things but in the end it just blows up in my face.

I don't know how to deal with anything anymore. I just want to lock myself up in my room and not see anyone. I thought I climbed out of my hole of depression today but it looks like I fell back in. I realized today that my mom is a fake bitch that doesn't care about me... Oh wait. I've been knowing that. I also realized that I seriously can't trust anyone. I'm never ever in my life going to depend on anyone. I think maybe being stabbed in the back by someone who is closest to you is the worst thing ever. You think everyone is cool with you but they're not. They secretly hate you and talk shit about you when you're not looking. It's so bad that I eat lunch by myself with Mr.Geroche. Like seriously wtf is that?

You know there's like this little handful of people I can trust but I'm so scared now. I'm afraid they're going to do me wrong. I feel so alone and lost. It's like I have no one to turn to. I feel like I'm giving up on life now. I really honestly don't want to be here. I have no one now. I think I'm pushing people away but at the same time I want them to be close to me. They can't because I can't trust anyone. Right once I did, I got fucking slapped in the face. Today I have never felt so mad or hated another human being so much. I was scared because I was not normally like this.

Blahblahblah. Who fucking cares what Kimberly Dela Cruz has to say. To me she's dead.

James Rachal.

I miss you so much.

I hope you read this soon. I wasn't sure how to reach you. I've been busy all day and night.

Gone...

I'm fucking up and I really don't care anymore. Everyone is trying to help me, but it's not working. I honestly want to live in a aslyum. I think there's something terribly wrong with me and I don't want to see anybody. I want to be alone. I don't want to have to deal with people.

I think I have lost myself. I've done things that I use to think that I would never do. I don't think the same way anymore. I'm purposely trying to stay away from everyone. I think it's because I'm just going to end up hurting them all.

I want to be put in a place where I wouldn't be a harm to myself or others, but where can that be though?

What went wrong?

I used Kleenex tissue like there was no tomorrow. I slept through two tests. Well actually, I just slept in every class. I ate lunch by myself because I didn't want to see anyone. I was mean and I ignored people. I ignored text messges and phone calls. I don't want to talk or see anyone. I can't even do my homework and study because I can't focus.

I really want to leave. When my mom asked me if I wanted to go to the Philippines, I said yes because I assumed she meant soon. She really meant next year. Who in the world knows how it's going to be like for me next year? Am I even going to make it that far? I feel like I'm dying of stress. I can't take a break or everything will just fall to pieces if it hasn't already.

Too bad. I'm taking a break right now knowing what it can do to me. There's something wrong. I can't not care, but I don't know what it is.

Good night.