Help.

I'm pushig myself so hard that it's nearly unbearable. I'm so down and I can't get myself up. I just wanna lay around and be sad. Watch talk shows all day and eat. I feel like there's nothing for me to live for anymore. I don't know what happened to my big dreams of saving the world and all of that. It just doesn't seem possible for me.

I don't know what to do now. It's so hard being all on your own. Everyone that said would be there for you aren't and now I'm just all by myself. I really don't know what to do in my life. I have no one. I can't even do anything right. I'm failing at everything I do. I want to give up already. Bullshit people are like don't give up blah blah blah. You already know they don't give a crap about me. No one understands and this blog is getting all out of order.

So what to do now? Force myself through another fucking day.

Living life on the edge!

Okay so I'm cleaning and unpacking and I find the receipt for my two bracelettes. There's a warning that says: "this product contains chemicals known to the State of California to cause cancer, birth defects, or other reproductive harm."

WTF DISNEYLAND!! And I wanted to wear my bracelette all the time!!! :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

Cleaning.

I pretty much threw out everythig that relates to him. I deleted his whole contact thing on my phone and all the picures too. I felt like I should have emailed them to myself and saved them but I don't know. I don't think I should at the same time. I did save Love Notes and our Infinitie To Do List. I emailed them to myself. I also saved my original bucket list then deleted some stuff and resaved it. And woah dude I finally edited my MySpace!! It was pretty hard to do actually because I'm not good with all that stuff, but I got it. ;) I'm not sure what to do with all the paperwork though. I think I should keep them but idk. I guess I have about four days to think about it. Trash day is on Thursday I think and I at least want to recycle them. I also need to throw away his phone. I know there is some way to recycle cellphones. I just never had a phone long enough to worry about recycling my old one. o_o Oh and I deleted text messages too. Even all the cute
ones. :/

I'm kind of sad though because I practically spent most of my day at Disneyland on Friday looking for the place that engraves bracelettes for you. And of course cutsiesz me gets two engraved. =_= kinda expensive, yeah. Kinda cute, fuck yeah!! But then again it sucks because no one is going to wear it. I'm not going to throw it away though!! It's hella nice. :):) I'll just stick it in my junk drawer. I probably won't ever see it again until the next time I hella clean my room again haha.

Maybe throwing all these things away will help me get over this. I saw that episode of Tyra that helps you get over break ups. This is going to be a really hard one though because I hella thought we were in love and we were meant to be. We always talked about our future and what not. I really thought it was going to happen. Blah blah you know stuff like that.

Yeah I'm pretty sad but after looking at all this old stuff like old messages and stuff like that, I just realized that all this isn't what I thought it was. Like all the stuff that he said that hella made me feel good and what made me trust him doesn't really apply to today. I guess love really blinds you because I didn't even see that. I've always disliked those girls who were like "in love" with someone but it was just so obvious that they weren't. I think I am on of those girls. :( and I'm really, really upset with myself. I changed myself, flaked on my friends, didn't go to work, spend money, waste time, and all sorts of things just for a guy. At the moment though it felt so right. Like what I was doing was okay. I always talked to Daysha about everything and I mean EVERYTHING to make sure I wasn't going to end up like one of those girls. She really convinced me that we were in love and everything. I honestly should have listened to her though that
one night he accused me of cheating for the millionth time. She told me that he wasn't worth being with if he's just going to do that to me all of the time. I really should have. I feel like I practically wasted a month of my life. I'm broke now. Single. Bored. No business. Woop dee doo. Tltmmlml.

Tyra says that the best way to get over someone is by trying to go out there and meet other people. But I honestly don't think I can. I really can't imagine myself with anyone else. I would probably try to find him in other people. >_> that wouldn't be good. I see myself alone in ten years.

Haha okay I'm done being sad!

James Rachal.

Hi James. You're probably sick and tired of me but I really want to apologize. I know I've done it a lot, but I think I changed into a better person today. At our training we saw this video of Les Brown. He is the most amazing motivational speaker I have ever heard. I feel like my life has changed forever from watching him speak. He has motivated me and inspired me so much. Anyway, I want to say I'm sorry for the way I've been acting. I haven't been myself lately and it's because I was so negative. All I did was complain and blame others. I didn't use that energy to try to fix my problems and do something about it. I lost focus and I forgot what I was living for. I didn't feel like I was worthy of anything and I had this insane self destructive behavior. I didn't realize the greatness in me and all the things that give my life a sense of value.

I deserve the best things in life and so should you. That's why I want to better myself. I want to be better for us. I want to change my attitude and be happy. I want to be positive all the time. I don't want to be this way anymore. I haven't been reaching my goals lately and I'm practically committing spiritual suicide. Maybe that's why I've been feeling so dead. Life is too short and I can't be living it like this anymore. Especially because we're suppose to be living the rest of our lives together. I know you don't want to be with a negative person forever.

You really are one of the main reasons why I live. You give me purpose. I've been so selfish lately that I forgot about your happiness. I'm really sorry. I wish I focused on you more. I'm making a committment to be happy and by me doing that, I'm pretty sure you'll be happy too. I'm sorry I fail as a girlfriend and future wife. I'm really trying. I do want you to be happy and I really want us to work. We're hella meant for each other I know it!

I want to get rid of all the intoxicating people and energy drainers in my life. I need to challenge myself and change my life. I need to say yes to my life, dreams, potential, and unfolding future. I need to look at what I could become so I can be the person that I should be. I want to be perfect for you. 

I love you so much James. I really do appreciate you. Thank you for understanding me after all this time and dealing with everything. You have so much patience. That's what I need. Thanks for everything. I loving love you. I have this great feeling that we are meant for each other, but I think we just can't be together right now. I have so much to work on. I don't know if you'll wait for me but I'll do everything I can so we can be together. Next time we're together, we're going to be so happy and we'll never fight like this. I'll have enough money to provide for our future family. Money will never be an issue. I know you don't like me spending money, but I'm going to do it anyway. I'm going to make this work. I promise. I've said it a million times I know, but you didn't see what I saw and how it changed me.

I'm not sure how you'll react to this. I'm not going to be surprised if you don't give me another chance. I understand. I just hope you have hope in us. I love you. If you're going to respond to this, please don't send me anything negative. Just keep it to yourself. But I guess if it's positive then send away!

I looooove you James! This will work I promise. ;)

bbl.

inabfl.

CR4TS

Ooh boy! I'm so excited for camp!! I like how my family tried to hide it from me haha. Geez, I'm not stupid. I know where I can get the forms online. ;) SO YEAH!! In three weeks baby! It's so soon already!! I'm pretty excited but I have a feeling it won't be the same. We've grown up and things have just happened you know. But man oh man. I'm already having dreams about camp!! I always, always have dreams about camp before I go. Usually it's when we're registering and I realize that I forget something. =_= every damn year I swear I forget something!! In my dream though I forget Spongebob and my toothbrush. :( I seriously make this humongo list of things to pack so I don't forget and I start packing like the week before I swear! Haha.

Which reminds me! I need to pack for LA and what not. I need to stop being all last minute and throwing everything into my duffle bag. :3

Have a great weekend!

goldmine.

So for some reason my phone ended up deep underneath my bed. I seriously thought for a moment that I should leave it there, but I'm leaving to LA tomorrow so I really shouldn't. Too bad I don't have skinny arms anymore because I couldn't just reach into the space between my wall and my bed. I had to crawl in there!! I don't even remember the last time I've been under there!

It was like a black hole threw up underneath my bed. I found a bunch of pictures and school projects. I've found a lot of inappropriate stuff which really explains a lot. >_> ooh and guess what I found! More bottles of laq. Woot woot. Idk why I keep throwing stuff down there and forgetting about them.

I didn't clean underneath my bed like I know I should. I just grabbed my phone and a few other items and crawled out. But I will be down there again one day! This room is almost to perfection. ;)

white flags.

I give up. Everyone can take everything from me that makes me happy.

I can't hide it!!

I AM SOOO EXCITED!!!! My lovely friends from New York are going to be up in LA!! Woooo I think I'm going to be up there too for a few days. ;) FUN FUN! because everyone knows that I've only been to LA for Disneyland and for business. I've never really been around there you know! So this is going to be pretty exciting! AND DID I MENTION THAT IM GOING TO DISNEYLAND FOR THREE DAYS!! Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. Man, this is going to be the best! I can't wait! :)

$&@?%#*€£¥!

Okay so I'm trying really hard not to get really iritated and mad, but I think I have every right to be. She said my car would be fixed yesterday, but for some reason she wasn't at home. >_> LIES!! And no one has been answering my calls this morning. Like I hella let it ring for the longest time. They must know that it's me. =_= I don't care if it's even fixed or not anymore. I'll fix it myself! I bet I can fix it in a day just by watching YouTube. I'm just trying to be calm. :/ I really don't know what else I can do though. I've been using the secret and everything. They're ruining my summer already. I missed Harry Potter and I'm going to miss Chanel's birthday beach thing today. I'm kind of just pushing it away from me. It makes me so sad. :( there's nothing I can do! I seriously just want to kill them all! Once I get my car back, I'm dropping them out of my life. I don't need people like that and idrgaf if they're my family. Family doesn't mean
anything to me anymore.

Well time to move on with the day. It's like every day is a struggle. Everything is going good, but it could be better. The thing I hate the most is being dependent and having to rely on others. It just kills me.... :(

airwiftptbg.

I don't want to sound like a big ol drama queen but I think I've lost a lot of blood these past two days and it's starting to have an effect on me. I feel really weak and really tired. Sometimes when I get up, I just feel like fainting or passin out. I got up at ten and now it's ten forty. I am EXHAUSTED. I didn't even do much. I was even strugglig bringing down the laundry.

I'm kind of worried. If this continues to happen, I think I'm going to see my doctor. I'm trying not to think of the worst, but it's possible. The way I've been feeling lately and how it was so hard for me to stop the bleeding the other day. Also the fact that I've been so stressed and I might even be suffering from depression. It's really scary actually, but I kind of don't care. I feel like I don't have anything to live for. I feel so dead. I've honestly never been in my house for this long in probably a year. I'm getting skinny and I'm all pale and white. When Kimberly turns white you know something is wrong.

Today is going to be a tough day.

Boo.

I hate it when my blogs get lost in cyber space. :(

Now you show up. =_=

DUDE I am so pissed off!! It's kind of funny though because she's tryna lie to me. But ohhh no! I'm a smart girl. I can see right through you Missy.

ANYWAY!! I called my auntie because I hella need my car back. I could have gotten it earlier but the goddamn BMW was in the way and I couldn't find the key. Okay SOOO I tell my auntie that she's gotta move it and she tells ME that there's no key for it and they haven't been able to move it. BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT! It's so full of bs that it cracks me up. Like omg. Are you fucking kidding?! Then how the fuck did it get there then?!?! I ain't stupid!! Like seriously. You're going to tell me that there's no key to that car and it doesn't work?! They don't got the equipment to move that damn car anyway. So what the hell?! They're lying to me!! BUT WHY?!?! Dude I just want my car back. Is that so hard to do? This is so dumb. It kind of amuses me. Like they must seriously think I'm stupid or something. Omg. I'm so mad I'm about to get my hands and knees and move that damn car myself. Fuck. I'm about to turn into the Hulk right now.

I need to work and I need to watch Harry Potter!! Countdown: eleven hours and fifty nine minutes. Let's fucking do this.

Terminado.

Dude I'm totally done with everyone. I'm tired of trying to make everyone happy and trying to be perfect. I was trying to be selfless you know and not think of myself. But no. This is not worth it at all. I guess being selfish and a brat makes me happy. I just want to make myself happy. Idgaf about all you other people anymore. Call me heartless! Idc!

I'm going to stop living for other people. This is so stupid. I give up. Forget that quote that Pam told me. I'm done!!

Taking matters into my own hands.

Apparently my car isn't fixed..... Liars! They promised me that it would be fixed by Saturday and it must be since they're driving halfway around the world with it!! I'm really annoyed. I'm telling you... They're all against me! My "family" hates me for some reason. They just don't want me to be happy. I'm going to get my car back once and for all. If it isn't perfect, I'll take it to someone who can fix it. I bet Daysha Barbie can fix my car faster than they can. You call yourself a professional? Boo hoo. I would rather hella pay someone than bring my car to you evil people! -_-

Well on the brightside... Harry Potter comes out in about fourteen hours! Oh baby! I'm pretty excited!! I was about to watch it alone since some people flaked... >_> but I guess I'm watching it with James now. :) I'm also doing my laundry. I don't like how I do it like every two weeks. It's just a lot to do in one day. @_@ I'm even washing my sheets too and I Febreezed my bed. I should take out the trash today but I don't like going out in the back where the big mama huskie is at hahahaha.

Since I've done like most of the things on my to do list, I think I should get started on all my AP homework. It's not that bad actually. It's just a lot of reading and some writing. I still need to turn in my textbooks and get my AP Psychology book. >_> I don't even know the library hours or if they even give out textbooks during the summer. :/ they should though. I mean they wouldn't give AP students books during the school year. -_-

Ah, time to eat breakfast!! I keep putting my body in starvation mode lately. I need to stop and return to my old eating habits. I just haven't been feeling myself. Like I think I'm sick or something. Anyway, I hope you have a lovely day. :)

Vampires.

Another crappy Monday. I don't want anymore of these!! But yeah basically my lip was bleeding for like more than six hours. I didn't eat or do anything. I watched Tyra as usual. I was really annoyed because there were these people hella cheating on their husbands. I don't understand how people can be so heartless. I was also getting HELLA annoyed because these African American women were just so bothered by their hair and skin. Like fuck. Gtfoi. It got me hella thinking though because my ugly Filipino "family" of mine always trip about my skin color. I love the color of my skin. They need to stop hating on me. It's so annoying. I hate getting whitening soap for Christmas and my birthday. Seriously. I don't use them and I don't need them. >_>

I'm really not even in the blogging mood anyway. No one wants to fucking hear me out. I'm just annoyed by everyone. I want my car back and I want to run peoples asses over with it. Yeah, fuck yeah.

Sorry.

I feel like making a Tumblr. Only because a ton of my friends have it and I'll have something to read. No one goes on here. I barely have any blogs to read these days. -_- oh and I hear there's an iPhone app for it too. <3 woo hoo. But idk. How am I suppose to balance two blogs? O_o I don't knowwwww.

Okay so I'm at ashley's house watching last house on the left. :( I really don't like this movie. The rape scene is too long and too intense. I feel like I'm being raped!! Like seriously. We couldn't even finish the movie and I hella felt like throwing up. I was not feeling so good. :(:(

What really made my day though was Harry Potter and my mothafuckin snakebites!! Yes baby. I got them back and I'm pretty happy. I endured a hell of a lot of pain though. I wanted it to be perfect and even. Marc hella pierced my lip like four times today and it hurt more each time. It hurt so bad dude and I was bleeeeeding!! I had my retainers on too and I just had blood all over it. I loved it though. I seriously think I'm some kind of masochist. I love the pain. So yeah. I spent most of this day with ice on my fatass lip and watching Harry Potter. It really felt like old times when we ate Digorno pizza and drank hot chai tea. Mhmmm. ;)

Ugh man but I was kind of upset today because the girls I was suppose to watch Harry Potter with me Tuesday night hella flaked and watched it today on base. I'm over it though. I just don't get why they didn't invite me or tell me. Ugh man. WHATEVER!! I'll watch it by myself. -___- but Im so excited for the movie though. Maaaan and I really want the Dark Mark after watching the goblet of fire. I almost cried again when Cedric diggory died. :'( ugh man. I'm gonna cry when Dumbledore dies. T_T

Okay so I need to stop being a pansy and watch this movie. I'm scared. :(

WTF bitch.

I got ready pretty early this morning. I thought I was going to church but my mom started bitchin. Seriously. I cannot go a day with her freaking out about something. I was just telling her that we should go to a different church today. I wasn't saying anything about going to like a different church church if you know what I mean. She gets ALL mad dude. She's like fine go to whatever church you want. Then I swear she starts listing like all the possible religions there is. Just kidding. She named like two because she's stupid. I'm like dude there is more than one Catholic church in San Diego. Then she's like no there isn't anymore masses. Not when there's afternoon and evening mass. It ain't the end of the world Missy! So I'm just like I'm not gonna go. Omg and she gets super mad. I don't like going to the church that she goes to because I honestly cannot understand the priest. No offense but that man is old and he hella mumbles. :( I would want to learn
something in church. Not just sit there and be there because it's "good for you." it's pointless to go to church and you can't even understand the dude. Like seriously.

Yeah so I'm pretty irritated. I pretty much got ready for nothing. That really bugs me. Like it seriously just kills me. Getting ready for nothing is hella wasting time. There's no point in looking good when you're just at home. -_- I feel like going to Seaport. I think I will though. I am all dressed up. >_> but I would be all by myself. Then I just have this feeling that I shouldn't go. I really have to stop thinking that it's okay for me to go out alone. I still think that this world is so safe. It's not and I just can't see that. Sometimes I think I'm so invincible it's ridiculous.

I'm just not going to go out. It could be worse. Thank goodness for all natural make up though. <3

Just another me day.

My morning started off with some deep thinking. I was in bed for about an hour just contemplating about life and love. Then I wrote in my journal because I didn't want to keep everything in my head. The only reason I didn't blog this morning was because my phone died and I was too lazy to go plug it in haha. I watched Tyra show and ate the new orchard chicken salad sandwich from Subway. It's sooo good. It just made me want to learn how to make a chicken salad. Oh boy. I'm hungry now haha. All afternoon I watched "grown up" shows. I even watched some black television hahaha. I watched one episode of Wizards of Waverly place if that makes you smile. ;) I wasn't just laying around watching tv and eating Cheetos though. I was cleeeaaaaanning! Oh baby. I cleaned my room from the top to the bottom. Well not really. I didn't fully clean underneath my bed or vacuum my carpet. I still don't know how btw. >_> but dude. I seriously cleaned everything. I threw so
much out dude. I can rebuild a forest with all these papers hahah. I dusted like everything and cleaned my mirror! It's so clear now dude! It's like high def! I don't want to sound all conceited or anything but I just can't stop looking at myself because I actually can this time! Hahahahaha.

I also redid my nails and cut like three inches off my Le Sac dress. I'm thinking of cutting one more inch though... But I'm not sure. I don't want it to be too short you know haha. We'll see tomorrow though!! I'm going to wear it to UCSD. I kind of don't want to go but it's always good to have a plan b. My mom is coming with me. -_- she better be happy. I'm only doing this to prove her wrong and maybe she can buy me a sweater! ;) there was a time where I really, really wanted to go to this school. I was serious. I was like it's a UC or nothin!! No JC's for me. Ohh no. But I'm pretty sure I'm going to FIDM for sure though. Creativity over knowledge. ;)

Man but do you know what really makes me happy? My Le Sac dress. I am not even kidding. I know I've been talking about it A LOT lately but I'm in love. You can do anything to it! You can be so creative. There is no limit to what you can do with that dress! It comes in so many colors and you can change the straps! Fuck yeah man! This is the motherfucking dress. I can wear it everyday for a week and no one would know it was the same dress. <3<3

ANYWAY! I need to sleep now! I'm not sure what to expect tomorrow but I know there's free food!! Goodnight. :)

Looking.

I slept in my old bedroom that use to also belong to my grandmother. I was hoping that maybe she would visit me in my dreams and help me. I was hoping she would tell me what to do so everything can be better. Sadly, I just woke up to another nightmare. I then thought that I did it wrong. I should have slept upside down facing the window so I can invite her spirit back in. But I didn't end up going back to sleep because I was afraid that I might invite the wrong ones.

Oh well. Dead people are meant to be dead.

mltmmwiwd

Um I really don't know how to explain how I feel. My heart feels like it's just going to stop at any moment. My fingers are numb. I can't type. My world is ending. I just want to rebel and do all things bad. My heart is breaking. Everything around me is falling apart. It's like this never ends. It's like I can't ever be happy anymore. I feel so stupid. I feel so used. I can't believe I let this happen to me.

8===D

I'm getting really fucking annoyed because people can't trust me. People won't fucking take their goddamn time to just listen to me. It's killing me because I didn't do anything to deserve this. I'm trustworthy and educated. I'm notnfucking stupid. Geez. It really, really hurts me because the people closest to me can't even trust me. There's nothing I can do about it either.

It's true.

I would rather be dead than endure this pain.

(.)(.)

I wish I had a dick. I wish I could fuck every girl in the world. Just kidding haha. But no seriously though. I just hate being a girl sometimes. Like boys just don't understand. Being on your period is more than just blood coming out of your vagina. You get really emotional and irritable. You turn into this evil bitch for like a week that eats everything in sight. You get all fat too and you break out sometimes. You get super moody. You're like on this insane emotional rollercoaster. Dude I don't know. You're just like and a different person for a while. I really hate it too when you experience fatigue. You are just tired all day long. Oh my goodness. You sleep like forever. Oh geez.... And the cramps?! I would rather die than experience that kind of pain for several hours. @_@

I'm not really in a good mood right now and I'm going to blame it on my period because I know I'm not always like this. To me, I feel like the whole world is against me. Everyone is just irrtating the crap out of me. Like seriously dude. I'm sorry if I've been bitchy all day but goddamn get off my dick. I don't even think what I'm saying is making sense.

I feel slightly accomplished today though. Why? Because I said no to drugs!! I was just leaving my mama's apartment place when I saw my old friends that I use to smoke with a while back. It was interesting. They wanted to smoke me out, but I said no. It was very tempting especially because I've been feeling like shit all day but nope! I made a promise to never do drugs. o:) hehe but I really mean it though.

I was kind of in that mood earlier where I just wanted to stay home for the week and isolate myself from the world. But I'm pretty busy this week and I can't sacrifice cancelling everything. I have a lot that needs to be done actually now that I think about it. My car needs an oil change and tune up before Thursday because that's the day of my exam and I must be prepared. I need to get to Oceanside pretty early too so I can drive around. According to my dad, I need insurance. It's weird because I thought I already did. Hopefully, I will get this all done by tomorrow afternoon. Then I need to get the other side of my lip pierced. Finally right?! Hahaha. That can be done tomorrow too since Marc is getting his needles back tonight. My tattoo needs to be done this week too. I'm thinking Friday. Or at least before the premier which is next Wednesday!! I'm pretty excited. I'm hella camping out dude. Idgaf if I'm by myself or whaaat but catch me sleeping in my
car in the parking lot lmfao. Oh yes. That reminds me. I need to go to American Apparel to buy my dress and also go to Soma before Saturday to get me and Ashley Papa's presale tickets for the Ace Enders/BBQ show. It all sounds pretty exciting. ;)

James must be hella thinking about me right now because I'm sneezing like there's no fucking tomorrow.

Have a good night! <3

No to negativity!

I know he's my friend and all but he is just way too negative for me. Like he's the annoying negative. I can't stand it. He's like killing my mood right now. I want to go home but we didn't even eat yet. Like seriously though. I don't like his personality anymore. Ugh idk dude. I just don't want to hang around him anymore. How do I break it to him? Or do I just leave it alone?

Why so in a rush?

I feel like I have no time sometimes. I feel like I'm being rushed with everything I do. It's like I'm living too fast. I just kind of want to slow down a bit and relax, but everyone around me is moving so fast. I feel kind of pressured to live that kind of lifestyle. I don't want to be living like this anymore. Why can't everyone just stop and smell the roses? Stop working so hard and so much and enjoy life a little.

So a little bit earlier I was looking for my FIDM papers that proves that I did get accepted and will be starting school there next summer. It's a lot of papers and it just really amuses me how my mom doesn't believe me. Like it really just kills me. Why would I seriously lie about that? What is wrong with everyone actually? Why doesn't anyone believe me anymore? Have I lost everyones trust? Seriously though. I can care less though. I'm going to drop off these papers later to my mom's house. I gotta show this woman what is fucking up. I wish I could see her face and her reaction. I want to be able to say I told you so. She is so wrong about me. It still upsets me how she was tripping out over my grades. She was fucking acting like I wasn't going to graduate. She was talking to me as if I was going to be a failure in life. She's stupid. She thinks I'm not going to graduate in white either. That bitch don't understand. I tried to explain to her but she
wouldn't listen. She kept assuming that I was calling her stupid just because she didn't finish college. I might as well have. She wasn't listening to me. I don't even care about her anymore.

I actually don't give a shit about anyone and everyone that has ever doubted me, never supported me, talk shit about me, hated me, etc. I know I'm going to be much more successful than they will ever be. I'm going to achieve so much more. I want to prove them wrong so bad. They're all wrong about me. I don't understand where they get these ideas about me. They must already know that I'm going to be great in life. It's fine. I love those people because they make me wanna work harder and be better. So I thank my haters out there. <3 because without you guys I probably wouldn't be where I am today and you're going to help me achieve all my success in the future. ;) I just cannot wait to see the day where I can just tell everyone I fucking told you so. Haha seriously though!!

Anyway, I must shower because I have a pho date with Ashley, Sharmaine, and Marc. Also hopefully get the needle so I can get my snakebites again. I need to be reunited with my babies. I miss them so much haha. I can finally be symmetrical hahahah. Okay bye. :3

Ouch....

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not in the mood to do anything and my body just isn't feeling right. I don't feel 100%. I dont feel sick or anything. I just don't feel good. I don't know how to explain how I feel. I feel like I should be in bed all day. I don't feel like getting up and doing stuff. Ugh I don't know but my back really hurts. It was even really hard for me to sleep last night.

I need to get up though. My car needs an oil change and a tune up and I need more pads hahaahha. I just don't know when I'll do it because I feel like shit. I need to get this done asap though because my exam is on Thursday. I'm really nervous because I still haven't drove around Oceanside. I really don't know the area. I hope I don't end up going there alone. I'm telling my dad not to work that day. I'm suppose to be driving with a parent anyway! Haha. Okay so I'm goin to lay down for five minutes more I swear then get up. :)

Have a good day everyone. ;)

Disaster.

Okay so I've been trippin out all day from all this medication I've been on. Like dooooode. I was in pain all motherfucking day. Seriously. My menstrual cramps haven't been this bad. I even flaked out on David because I don't want my tattoo done while I'm on it. I'm gonna be crying like a little bitch. Anyway I made Marc's white ass come to my house with a glass of crushed Tylenol with orange juice. The pain slowly went away halleluljah but right when Im about to fall asleep my mom calls. I don't remember bits and parts of our convo but I was pissed. First of all, I was in fucking pain all day. Second, I'm about to sleep. Third, the bitch is trippin out about my grades. Calm your ass down old lady. It's a 2.6. I guess it's super bad from my 3.8 but goddamn. She doesn't understand what went down second semester. She must have not been listening to family counseling. What's worse?she really thinks I didn't get accepted to FIDM. What the fuck bitch. Now I
gotta drag all my FIDM papers just to prove it to her. Like dude. Why would I lie about that? =_= ayaiyai. So much stuff she was saying. Blahblah. But anyway enough of that.

I hit my lowest low. I wanted to die. Idk. You can read my Twitter. Like dude. If I knew how to put in gas I would put five in it and drive to Coronado bridge and jump off that shit. I really was going to but I'm like on e. So yeah. I don't think I would have made it haha. But yeah. I was so down dude. No one was just like there for me you know. And I was like all high or something because my whole body felt like numb and stuff. Then I just went to sleep.

I had a dream that I was rolling. I don't really remember it but I remember saying something like fuck everything, be happy. I was like all happy when I woke up too. It was weird. Then Ashley called me and I went to her house. I really didn't feel like it but I knew I had to. My body fell all weak and I just felt like I was going to pass out. I still feel that way actually. I took hella Tylenol PM dude. Crushed with water though so yuck and my chaser was milk. Gross. Someone shoot me. But anyway. I'm still at Sharmaine's house and I think I'm about to knock out because it's finally getting to me.

Night night.

EXHAUSTED.

I now know the true meaning of that word. It's how I'm feeling right now. I barely slept for like the past two days. I've been having nightmares and haven't been able to sleep. I was having suicidal dreams this morning too. They were pretty bad actually. Almost as bad as the ones when I was on chemotherapy. But yeaaaah. I'm not going to let my exhaustion keep me from going out! It's a beautiful day outside!! I don't wanna sleep the whole day you know. I'm going to wake up at night with nothing to do. I know I'll find the energy that I need later. Man I would just love to fall asleep right now! Being super sleepy and just being able to fall asleep all quick is like the best feeling. I especially just got out of the shower. I'm usually a night shower person and I like sleeping right when I get out. Hahahah yes! I like to sleep naked! It feels goooood. It just sucks though sometimes when you wake up in the middle of the night and you're all cold haha. And
sometimes you're too sleepy to even put on some clothes. :p

Soooooo yeah. The weekend isn't even over yet! It's been really fun so far. It could have been waaaay better I know but oh well. I'm a stupid girl. :( especially yesterday. I really wanted to watch the fireworks with him. I never really watched fireworks with someone like that. I didn't even watch them hahaha. I heard them. We were at Juan's making our cake. I don't think we even ate it. I haven't eaten and I'm so hungry! I'm lazy to make food. I'm probably just going to make me a shake. Last night was pretty fun too. It could have been better but it's okay.

Soooo yeah. I don't know what to do with these negative thoughts. I like stick them in the back of my head. I don't like to do that though because they usually all come out and it's just disaster wherever I go. Yeah. I don't even want to blog about it. Maybe some other time. I need to put on some clothes now and head over to Ashley Ocampo's house. We're planning on going to the fair. If that doesn't work out because of insane traffic, especially since Kelly Clarkson is going to be there and it's the last day, we're just going to go to her aunt's house.

She just texted me actually haha. I guess Del Mar actually ran out of parking! I can only imagine the kind of traffic over there. So I guess we're going swimming! Not when I just took a shower and I'm all clean. Boo. That means I have to change my outfit again. I wish I had more clothes. My wardrobe is all kinds of outdated.

Anyway I must continue on with this day! I need to be the happiest I can!! Good afternoon and have a lovely day!

Done!

I need to stop being a little depressed bitch. Like seriously though. I'm even getting tired of myself getting all unhappy all the time. I think that says something. I'm going to stop now. I promised myself last night that I would always be happy. I forgot what it felt like for a moment. I wish I had that kind of mindset all the time. I want to stop being that way. No one likes unhappy people. Well I don't know what else to say. I'm kind of tired still. I kept having these suicidal dreams so I didn't really sleep. I was hella tripping out this morning though. I thought I was dying or like waiting to die. But um idk. I'm hungry so bye.

Waiting.

I feel like I'm lying down here waiting for my death to come. I can't sleep. I can't be right here. Idk what to do. I need to talk to someone. I need to cry on someone's shoulders. Honestly, and I just don't want anyone.

Tell me why

This roll is so goddamn long! Like seriously. I took it like twelve thirty? Whathafuxxxx man. I just want to lay on the beach. Forget my problems. I can walk the globe right now and I won't be tired. I can't stop running my mouth. I am just talking and talking. I'm so mentally tired. I need a me day. I'm starting to think that I have too many of those. I want to be alone but then I don't want to. I think I have to be with people. It's okay. I'm with my friends. Hopefully my day will be brighter. This is a step. Just being a little more positive. Let's keep it coming baby because I want things to change.

I fucking love life. I don't even know why I'm saying that because it's kind of treating my like shit right now. Fuuuck man! Can I be sober?! This shit is long and it was only one. /)_x I need to stop blogging so much! Blog overload! I want my friends. They're sleeping. I want things back to normal. I'm scared!! Okay I'm stopping blogging now!

Dare to sleep?

I'm scared to go to sleep. I don't want to but my body needs to. I keep dreaming about him. I wake up happy then realize it's not happening in real life. I can't believe I messed up my whole life in one night. I honestly feel I am at my lowest low. There really is only one way to go and that's up. It seems like such an unachievable goal. I want to reach it. I need to find the willpower. I've just lost more of myself. I am totally losing it. I feel like this is the fall of me. I feel like this is just the end. My future isn't clear anymore. I don't see anything. I know I've got the whole fashion designer thing but it just wouldn't be the same if I didn't have anyone to share the success with. He really felt like he was the one. I'm not being stupid. I really think that. I cannot picture myself with anyone else. No one can replace him. I hella fucked up dude. Like you don't even know. I would do ANYTHING to just take everything back. I'll give up my two
legs for everything to just come back to me.

I will fucking do anything I'm serious. Anything. Omg. I just don't want this so bad. But I fucking deserve it dude. I hella deserve this and maybe I just need to. Maybe that's God's plan for me. Go through this shit. He wouldn't give me a difficult task if I couldn't do it right? I just need the strength. Please God give me strength. I need it. I really need it. I never felt this way before. I am just so weak. I'm sorry I failed you and just everyone in general.

This is so horrible. I don't even know if I'm sober because this is so unreal. Fuck. Shit. God please have mercy on me. It hasn't been long but I can't stand this anymore. I just wanna die right now. I don't even know what's stopping me. I just wanna leave. I wanna get out of this world. I need to gtfo. I don't know what to do. Please help me. Guide me. Show me the way. I can't be doing this anymore. I'm sorry. I'm such a pussy. I can't fucking stand this shit anymore. I fucked up! I know. You have no idea how I feel. I'm so upset with myself. I hate myself. I miss how things were. I fucking miss it. I hella just lost everything. Just take my life too! I would rather die now then to have to endure this pain. I don't wanna live anymore. I'm so confused. I don't know what I want.

Like I really just messed things up. Idk how many times I've said that but it's so true. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this. Everything is such a blur. I didn't mean to hurt you or anyone else. I want people to be fucking happy. Please. Write that on my goddamn will. World peace. Happiness. Prosperity. Please I don't want to be doing this.

When will I sober up?! I feel like I never will. This is probably reality right now and I'm just not realizing it. I'm so done dude. I'm tired of this life. I'm sick of people underestimating me and not believing in me. I have no goddamn support. Haters and people who talk shit piss me off. Stop messing with peoples lives! Like seriously. Man I don't even know. I just want out. I'm afraid to fall asleep too like I have to keep typing.

I was just so hurt because while I was pouring my heart and soul out to him, he just didn't believe me and said it was all bullshit. Is this some type of defense mechanism? I really meant what I said and I said what I meant. I don't think anything is going to get better. He said he wasn't happy when he was with me and he won't be happy without me. I think that's a lie. I know I must have meant something to him. I just know it. I don't know if he'll be happy without me but I really hope so. I want him to be happy and to be able to find someone way better than me. I'm such a failure. I just fail at everything. I can't make anyone happy. Why should I even be here right? I always make dumb choices.

I hate this. You don't even know. I never hated something so much. I hate this feeling. I've never felt this before or have even come close to feeling this. I can't describe it. I feel like I'm already dead. Like half dead. Just walking around mindlessly. I feel like my life has no purpose now. He really was my everything. It's dumb I know but he really means something. I don't think I can function without him. I don't know what I'm going to do. We seriously had our lives planned out. I don't even want to think about them because I'm already crying a goddamn flood over here. This fucking sucks. I don't want anyone to go through this. I jus want to take out all the pain and suffering in this world. I just want peace love and happiness. Why do we have to have all this negative stuff? It's not good. It's not good for your health.

I really feel sober now. I'm crying like the world is ending tomorrow. It already feels like it today. I don't even know where I'll be or what I'll do within the next twenty four hours. It seems like I need time to myself, but I'm not sure if that's the right decision for me to be alone. I don't know what to do. Hold my hand please someone. I'm scared of what will become of me. I'm so scared for my life. I feel like I won't have the courage to move on. Okay well apparently my eyes are still huge. Maybe I'm not okay. I just want to be okay now. It's not even a full day.

Fucked over.

I hella regret everything. I'm so mad at myself for ruining my own life. I honestly just want to die because I feel like I have nothing more to live for. This is going to suck. I don't know what to do! But I so deserve this. I just wish I can just reverse things. I want everything to be better. I just want to talk to him right now. Most people are sleeping right now.

I feel like I shouldn't have told him at all. But I don't want to keep secrets. We have that great relationship where we don't hide things. It was beautiful. I knew I had to tell him. I knew he was going to be upset because I'm being a hypocrite. I didn't want him to do it and here I am doing. But what really pissed me off was that he though I was doing it to fool around. Hell no. That was not apart of the purpose. I just wanna have a good time. Those acts don't need to be done in order for me to have fun. I did this because I thought it would help me. It sort of did. I think differently and maybe it'll help change me into a different person. I also have to admit that it was for some attention. Like honestly this wasn't even planned. I thought I was going to drink but they asked me and I was just like okay. Maybe living on the edge isn't a great idea. I feel like I'm falling off it.

I seemed like he was opposite of me. Everything was so negative. I couldn't believe it. I'm scared to see the IM's and texts later. I don't think I should. I would be even more mad. I am such a failure as a person. Not to him but to everyone including my parents. I wish I wasn't such a fuck up. I want everyone to be happy.

This is never going to work. I don't think things will ever be the same. I don't know what to do. I need him. I fucking need him. I don't just want him but I think I might need him in order for me to leave. I can't believe this is happening. My world is falling apart before my eyes. There's nothing I can do. I don't know anyone possible who may be going through what I'm going through. I just want to cry and go to sleep.

I'm just being so blogative. It's because people are sleeping or like... Other stuff. I feel like everyones sick of me because I've been talking about him all night. Things just really didn't go my way. I just want to jump off this couch and be that ballerina. I have no energy. No motivation. Nothing. I feel empty. Like I'm not even real. Like I'm not even here right now.

I just want everyone to be happy. It seems like everyone will be happier without me. He made it so clear. He said he wished we never met. My heart has never hurt this bad before. I am just longing for him. I fucking tucked up dude. I am so upset. I need to stop thinking this. I have to get over it. Bye.

I'm sorry.

I regret this night because I lost him. It's not worth it at all. It was fun and everything.... Actually I'm still on it. I just want it to go away already. I want to be like a regular human being. But I kind of don't want it to stop because that's when I'll realize that everything is truly over and gone. I messed up. I really did. But at the same time, I learned so much. Good things actually. I want to be like this without having to do this you know? I know it's possible and I'll make that happen because I know everything is possible.

I don't know if it was the right thing but I really just told him how I feel. Like way deep down inside there. I don't think he believes me at all. It really hurts. I meant what I said. I was like spilling my heart you know. He means so much to me. I feel so horrible for no being better. Maybe I'm the only girl on e who has ever felt sadness. I feel it and I'm crying because it hurts so much.

I have to accept it though. He doesn't want to be with me. I promised I would give him what he wanted. I agreed. He even said he wished he would have never met me. Which really made me feel like crap because our whole time together must have been nothing. I don't think I believe that though. We both learned somethig from this. I really just want him to be happy.

I really just have to accept. I'm coming down dude. I regret this. I regret everything. I'm forgetting the reasons why I even want to live in the first place. It's like a light went out in my heart. The world is a little colder. But this is what I asked for. It's better though that I even told him. I always told him everything. I didn't hide anything. I'm really going to miss this. I'm really in love with him. I don't think anyone, including him, understands how I feel. I just to have to accept this. Oh man. This is going to be tough. Life is going to be really hard now. It's my fault and I deserve this. I regret everything. I just feel like I have failed as a person. This world is just too complicated sometimes. I don't get it. I'm trying to prepare myself when it finally hits me but idk. This is going to be the hardest thing I am ever going to go through. Like maybe even as equal as battling cancer because I feel like my life is hanging by a thread.

I don't know if I still want to be here. I have to stop thinking that. I need to be positive. I need to better myself. But it's so hard when no one's like pushing you or motivating you. It's so hard. It's so hard to just do it for myself too because I don't want if I want this. I don't want it to be over. I really do. I really feel like he is the love of my life. Well idk what I can do. So yeah. I really just had to fuck things over.

I just want him to believe what I said because I mean it. Ask me when I'm sober and I'll repeat it with the same feelings.

Goodmorning, world. Please have a great day and please don't lose the one you love the most because I don't want you to feel the way I've been feeling. And don't drink and do drugs because it makes everything worse.

You know what?

I'm sick of this shit. I'm tired of bitches talking shit. They can hate all they want. Only people who truly love me wouldn't believe the words that they say. Am I right? It's not worth it to be friends with people who believe that shit. I don't want to be around people like that.

If he really loves me, he wouldn't have believed it. I guess I'm wrong and this whole fairy tale is a mistake. I'm over it. Well, I need to get over it. I think I'm done because this has happened so many times. I'm tired of being hurt. I'm not sure if this if worth it anymore.

Discovered this blog.

I'm starting to think that I should give up on this. I'm not sure if it's worth the blood, sweat, and tears anymore. I kind of don't want to waste anymore time. I don't want to keep trying and just find myself going nowhere.

I'm in that mood again where I just want to close myself off from the world. I dont feel like seeing anyone or interacting with others. I just kind of want to stay in my room all day. I'm trying to cheer up though. It's not good to feel that way. I'm going to Del Mar tomorrow with all my cousins so that should be really fun. I really neeeeed to be happy though!! I don't know what will make me happy. I'm not sure what to do. I'm starting to forget what my goal in life is. I dont think I know what I want anymore. It changes all the time and I'm just never sure anymore. Lately, I feel like I've just been forcing myself to do everything. I'm trying to do what's uncomfortable until it's comfortable. I guess I'm improvig slowly though. I was cleaning all morning today. Like the hardcore cleaning dude. I'm not even done cleaning my room. I should finish that tomorrow then.

I need to continue back to my work. I shouldn't be blogging right now haha. I just had a lot on my mind. Lately I've been feeling like I can't say everything anymore. People see it the wrong way or mix my words around. Idk. It just doesn't go well but I don't like keeping things to myself and I feel like I have to say it you know? Anyway, it is time to go back to work.

Boo hoo.

Just kidding!!

Happy July Fools! Apparently, someone does still read this so I guess I'm goingto continue blogging. :3 it's funny because on the right side my number of posts look all weird hahaha. They're all kind of like steady then BAM! There's a bunch in May and June's anorexic. Oops haha.

WELL, June was pretty busy. It was the end of the year, SAT's, and finals. Then when school ended I was in and out of FIDM meeting with an admissions advisor. I started to work on my application and I even went to the Three Days of Fashion. Pretty busy! Then Monday I found out that I was accepted. :) it's pretty crazy actually because I'm going to be going into senior year already knowing where I'm going. It's not even halfway through summer and I got accepted to the school of my choice.

Then next Saturday there's this UC prep day at UCSD! I want to go and buy a sweater haha. I'm still going to apply there actually. It's good to have a Plan B you know haha. I don't want to be stuck going to a community college! Lmao no offense to the people that do. ;)

But yeah I'm pretty happy. ;) Del Mar with the cousins on Friday and Fourth of July on Saturday!! I really don't know what I'm doing. I might have to go to LA that day but I'm pretty sure I'll be back in time for the fireworks. Then again, I'm not sure how that would work because Kamille is going to the beach on base and there's no way for me to get in without her. So it's like, work or friends? Thennnnn beach clean up in Oceanside!! Woot woot. I have to practice driving around there too since that's where I'll be taking my drivers license test. Haha seriously don't ask. It's a long story. Camp is also next month! I'm pretty excited. I'm always looking forward to going there every year and I would never miss it for the world. Senior pictures are also in August and our road trip to UTAH baby! I love love love traveling dude! I wish I could go to more places this summer. Oh that reminds me!! My cousin Eleazar is coming mid July from Florida!! Wooooooooooo.
I think we're goin to LA too! Like actual LA! I have seriously never been to LA except for like Disneyland and for business. I have never really been there you know. Haha it's kind of ironic because I have never been to LA which is only like two hours away but at the same time I hella hopped onto a plane last summer and flew across the country to New York! Hahahaha yes I'm hilarious. :3

I don't have everything I want though, but I have to deal with it because it's my fault why I don't have them. It's okay. You cant get everything!! Sometimes I really blame my chemotherapy treatment I had when I was ten. I experienced really high fevers and there comes a point where you're so hot that brain cells start dying. So yeah. Maybe that's why I'm a little stupid sometimes haha. Also all the other stupid things I've done. I really don't know why people like me keep doing it. I don't think I'm addicted at all, but I still do it. I don't know. Hopefully I'll learn that in AP Psychology this year when we learn about drugs and alcohol and the effects on the brain! Ah, that also reminds me!! I need to get my AP Psychology book. >_> Ms. Skalman is going to beat me up!!

So plans for today? Yes, I do. :) I'm about to watch two episodes of Tyra right now. Oh yeah I hella signed me and James up to be on the show because we want to get married when we're young hahahah. I want the world to hear our story!! He doesn't approve, but I sent that little baby in anyway! Woot woot then after Tyra I'm going to Bashley's house to make more deep fried Oreos! Yaaaaaaay! Then go home and get ready for work because I'm like broke! Seriously!! Money never use to be an issue for me and I want to stop relying on my parents! Then after work, we're going to have a BBQ at John's. Daschel is hella buying me chicken so I can cook it for him hahahaha. But yeah. Tyra is about to come on so I'll blog more later!!