Disaster dinner

I thought today was going to be a good day. It really wasn't. I really need to stop keeping my hopes so high. I really thought everything was going to go according as planned. I really thought it did. I saw it all in my head too how everything was going to happen.

I had dinner with my mom and brother at Red Lobster. I thought it was going to be a good night but of course it didn't. I always get upset towards the end of the time I'm spending with my mom. She just always has to start complaining and yell at me. She always gets mad. She always ignores me and never listens. I tell her my dreams and what I want to do. I tell her all the thing I was planning to do to help all of us.

Like I said earlier, I don't want to help people who don't want to be helped. Honestly, she needs to trust me. It's not just her. People have a hard time trusting me. I don't understand. I'm a pretty honest person and I have never done anyone wrong. I think people should be able to trust me.

I kind of feel like giving up. I'm so tired. Rev3 keeps me up but it can't keep me mentally awake. My body can be up and running but on the inside I am just so exhausted. I'm so surprised that I'm still working hard like there's no tomorrow. I guess I kind of let things go this week. I slept in most days because I was tired. I even accidentally left my right piercing out and now it's closed. So yeah I have to get it repierced in a few weeks. I hate dealing with the healing process.

Lost.

I'm not really sure where to go from here. I'm getting really frustrated and annoyed. People won't listen to me or give me a chance. It's like everyonea scared. Like everyone is scared to live and take a chance. Especially at a time like this. It's depressing and people not taking me seriously just sucks. It's worse too when it your own family. I'm getting no support from them at all and it really sucks. They're so fake to me. It kills me. I don't like the way they treat me.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting change. I've been trying to change but it's not really doing much. My why's change everyday. My family agravates me. Why should I help them if they don't want it? I'm really tired of trying to help people.

Tell me why...

It feels so good when you get any sharp object and feel it pierce your skin. Then a moment later you see a warm, dark fluid running down your arm.

Apparently, I am a wonderful poet when I'm fucking hysterical. It's actually a draft saved on my blogspot but I think it's a little too intense to publish.

I'd like to think that Tom saved me last night. He seemed to call at the right time. It was super random but maybe it was fate. Sometimes I actually believe in that stuff. Like fate and signs and stupid shit like that. But anyway, he told me to smile a lot today. It's hard though, because there's no reason to smile.

It's kind of heart breaking to know that I almost took a life this morning. Honestly, there were two things that actually kept me from doing it. I'm not going to say it because I think it would sound pretty gay. Idk. It's kind of random I guess? Like how during that one shooting the first people I thought about were Marc David and Jeffrey Barrera instead of my friends who were actually inside of the party.

I want to go somewhere really far away. Maybe even run there. I kind of just want to leave. I want to leave everyone behind because I know I haven't bettered anyones lives. Well maybe their health. Um actually I think I take that back. I know a handful of people I think I have made a difference in their life. But whatever I still want to get the fuck out of here.

I'm actually really hungry and really hung over. I know I say I never get them but it's actually just really rare. But before I leave I wanted to apologize to Kamille for this morning, Kiko for being a bitch, Jorge for punching him in the face (I'm so sorry!!!), and most of all, James for really ruining everything.

I hope everyone is having a better life than me! ;) Please have a good day.

I like dependable people.

I wonder how many times I typed something and then deleted it. It's like I can't put anything into words that would make sense for you to read.

But yeah. I really like dependable people, but too bad I really don't like depending on people. I have major trust issues and I cannot stand asking someone to do something for me. It's different though when I have no choice and it's super important.

I get pretty annoyed too when I ask someone for something and they don't give me a straight up answer. It's more like an, "I don't know." Seriously, when someone says that I just ignore them for the rest of the day. Like do they seriously think I'm gonna wait around all day for them to give me a real answer? No. I think it makes me look bad. I can't explain how it does, but it just does. Also, I hate it when on the last minute, they do call me up and tell me like, "yeah I can help you with blahblahblah." By then, it's too late and I get really pissed off. I hate last minute stuff. Especially when I need something like ASAP. Geez. >_>

You know it's getting really bad. I don't like this state where I'm in. I want to be totally independent. I don't want to wait for people.

I really don't know where I'm going at. I think I'll sleep. Good afternoon.

Run like the wind, Kimberly!

Things should be easier now that I had left step. I have more time to work on school so I could focus on the business. It was kind of heart breaking. I didn't expect to leave so soon, especially because pep rally is next Friday. But I had to do what I had to do. I really couldn't take it anymore. It was messed up though, what I did. But I kind of had to or I would have gone insane. >_>

April is coming up which is the start of a new quarter. I think it's easier to look at the year in four quarters. The second quarter is about to begin! I've set up some pretty high goals for myself but I know I can accomplish them. ;)

I've set up a new date for my next promotion which is April third. :) I chose that date because it allows me enough time and it's the start of spring break. I realized that with a schedule like mine, I really can't run like there's no tomorrow. x_x I'm also thinking about going to palm springs with Natalie and Vanessa for spring break.

Another goal is to pay for my cancellation fee for my first iPhone. That should be easy because if I can achieve my first goal, then this should happen by default. ;) also I'm going to buy my first car on may ninth. It's on a Saturday and it's May Ann's seventh birthday. Idk what it is about turning seven, but they seem pretty big for Filipinos haha. Like I said, it's going to be a black Infiniti G37. There was already one parked in front of my house and the second one that's going to be parked there will be mine. ;) I actually have to work on the steps to achieve this goal a bit more, but I know it's gonna happen. ;D

A big big big goal is to bring my grades up! Like waaaay up! I want a 4.0. Idc what everyone says. Hahaha but ironically I'm typing up this blog during precal which I have a C in. It's not too bad though because we have a sub and this kid teaching us really doesn't know what he's talking about.

Anway class is almost over. :) have a good day, everyone!

Tired and uninspired.

I'm tired in my body and my mind. I'm sick of working so hard for nothing. I'm tired of staying up all night doing work. I hate trying to seem like I'm happy all the time. I do not like keeping my feelings and thoughts to myself. I'm tired of being nice to people. I'm tired of trying to help people who don't want to be helped.

blahblahblah. no one here wants to hear me vent. >_>

Testing. 1, 2, 3.

Okay so a little bit while ago I learned how to blog from my phone. For iPhone users you have to use email. It's easy! Just go to settings then email. Then it should tell you everything from there. I was getting all confused because my post wasn't showing at all then I realized I was sending it to strawberrykimberly...@blogger instead of kdelacruz91...@blogger hahaha. Hopefuly this will work this time.

Alright! Have a nice day and I hope you enjoy this picture of me haha. You know that shirt I'm wearing glows in the dark! Sick, huh? x) haha okay bye!



LAME! hahaha my picture didn't even show up! Boo, well that's too bad. Anyway, I need to go do some APES homework. ;]<3

"Thanks for the add."

UM NO.


You know what is one of my pet peeves? When someone sends you a friend request and you approve of it. Then that person comment you and is like, "Thanks for the add." Then, I say to myself, "Um, no, &@^$#%. You added ME, fool. -__-" I don't comment them back saying that though. I just deny it. I don't want people thinking that I'm adding losers like them. HAHA I'm just kidding. But not.

But, no seriously. That annoys the hell out of me. Also when people text me something and when I don't reply right away they send me like 982369584 of the same text! Gee, people needa stop buggin'.

Anyway, I forced myself to go to school today. I don't like how we still have to go to three classes for like thirty minutes each. It's so dumb. I don't understand why they can't just give us the two days off! I think everyone would be more happy. So I arrived at school this morning thinking that I was early right. Wrong. I was super late! Unfortunately, class started at twelve. They said we had to go back at lunch but I didn't feel like coming at lunch because I could just eat at home so I arrived just before 12:09. Thank goodness Senor Valenica's class isn't so far from the front gate. I tried to sneak in quietly while he wasn't looking, but he caught me. He said something in Spanish and pointed to the door. So I stood outside for a while getting all mad because everyone told me that class started at 12:09. After several minutes, he called me back inside and he wrote me those tardy slips. =_= I was so sad! It's my first tardy ever! This is like my first tardy ever in all my years of going to school! :[ I was so sad. I couldn't even participate and I had detention after class. /)_-

I finally finished one of my patterns in clothing design and I'm going to finish the rest today. I made Melchor go car shopping for me. I also found out that my three choices for a car were all manual! HAHAHA. Man, that really shows how much I don't know about cars. x_x I was lost as usual in precal but Allen saved my life by explaining everything to me. :]

I walked home and handled business. Surprisingly, as I was about to reach my house I saw a black Infinity G37! I was like WOAH. I was thinking like that this must be a sign! Like a sign of hope, right?! Isn't it craaazy? I was just talking about how bad I wanted this car and BAM! It's right in front of my house! Too bad I couldn't stare at it long or take a picture. *__* There was a guy already in it. >_> But MAN OH MAN!! I am so totally taking this as a sign.

but I don't think it's going to be my first car. I'm going to do what Vern did and slowly make me way up to the nice cars. "Do what they do, make what they make."

So I'm pretty hungry so I'm gonna go eat. Have a greeaaat day!

To believe or not to believe?

I read my horoscope on a daily basis. I know it's all pseudoscience, but I can't help it! I get so entertained and I like believing in it too sometimes. Haha, I know it all sounds ridiculous but I just looove reading my horoscope!

One thing it said today though which I truly believed in was that I should start planning for the future. It's so right! I need to write my goals and why's down. They change everyday but I really have to get them set in stone so I know what I want.



HAHAHA guess what! I just typed like all my goals but I deleted them. x_x
Gee, that is such a bad habit... typing up all my blogs and just deleeting them hahaha.

BUT WHATEVER! Right now I'm focusing on school because things are not looking too good! I have a D in clothing design and I know exactly why. I haven't made anything! I'm going to change that right away and start doing major work. I just finished my buttons yesterday and I'm going to finish pinning patterns and starting on seams this week. I'm planning to go to Yardage Town on Saturday to buy patterns, fabric, and notions so that I can start on a new project by Monday. I also have a C in precal only because I didn't go to school for the first two weeks and then came back not knowing what in the world was going on. But I've been studying more and trying to pay more attention haha. Allen is tutoring me afterschool today which is great! That will really help me out. The other day I bought a new notebook for APES because my other one was full. I'm planning to get that whole thing organized today since we have a test on Friday. I also think that I'm doing pretty swell in history because I haven't been sleeping in there! :DD English is awesome and I think I'm going to make a rap about the Grapes of Wrath. HAHAHA. Oh man. Who was there last year in biology when I was rapping about mitosis?! HAHAHAH Oh my goodness, that was hilarious. x]

Another thing in my to do list is to pay for my cancellation fee for my previous iPhone. My not- so- smart mother didn't want to cancel it right away because she didn't have the money. Sadly, she is still paying for that phone eventhough it's not in use. So yeah. She's basically wasting her money when she could have just payed that one time fee. /)_- Hopefully when I do pay for the cancellation fee, she's going to get off my &^#@ about the cell phone bill. She can stop bugging my father for paying for it because he has no reason to. I would tell her about my phone and everything will be good.... not really actually. She'll be super mad because I kept her from knowing that I have a phone.

Another goal is to get a car! It's not a very SMART goal but it will be! I still need to talk to my dad and my uplines because I know nothing about cars except how it looks! Hahahaha. FOR SURE I am going to get a car on May 9, 2009. I'm not even kidding. "Goals are dreams with a deadline." That's right!

Well I have to study Spanish now and get my butt to school. Bye bye and have a nice day. ;]

Hello, world.

I just wanted to share this with you. :]




Doesn't it scare you?

3.1415926535897932384626433835088...

When I'm not paying attention in class, I'm busy trying to memorize pi. I know. Everyone's like, "But it's neverending!" I know that. =_= I just want to memorize it, mkay? :]

So today was a fun day. I went to LA with the team. I learned a lot. I was inspired and motivated. I even cried a little. :'] Today was a good day. I really wanted to go to Sonic's because I've never been there but we ended up eating at In n Out. It's still good stuff. ;]

It's been a super busy week! I'm so busy that I barely even sleep! I spend most of my time doing something that has to do with school or the business. I kind of don't like this whole idea of not sleeping at night. I'm one of those sleepers, you know. I looove sleep. I can't even sleep these days. I couldn't even sleep long if I wanted to. But what really keeps me awake during the night, is knowing that I'm really going to help me and my family out and our future. Also, I'm trying to bring up my grades. I know this upcoming progress report isn't going to be good because I didn't get to turn everything in on time. It's okay though.

Sometimes I feel like I should reward myself for working so hard. At the same time though, I feel really bad because I'm having fun when my loved ones are suffering. On the other hand, if I had no fun at all, I would probably die of stress. and it's true. I was listening to someone today who was dying from stress. Thank goodness he's okay now. :]


OH AND GUESS WHAT! I think James Rachal is an amazing person. He's so understanding and I just looove talking to him because I can just talk to him about anything. I like how he's so interested in these little, random facts I tell him on a daily basis. I love making him laugh his butt off every morning because I usually end up doing something stupid HAHAHA. I like how he cares about me and makes me feel special! ;] He is so ambitious and he knows what he wants. Omg, and he dances too! And he's soo oooo much fun. :DD I like how he talks like a white boy and has some poooofy hair. He's not like other guys! He gives me butterflies and sometimes I even get nervous around him. I also love bbd so yeah. <3 AAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. I'm kidding, I'm kidding!

I think I'm going to go to sleep. I'm not sure if I'm doing anything tonight. OH YEAH. I have a phone now. :]]] It's a different number though. Just IM me on AIM for it. ;] Alright, have a goodnight!

To whom it may concern:

Disaster. Bullshit. Anger. Frustration. Hate. Stress.


I fucking hate you with a passion.





I really don't care about you anymore.
Once I hit gold, I'm getting the fuck out of here.

I ruuhhhhv my daddy!

I totally love how my dad and I can communicate with each other without having to say a word. I can ask him something and already know what he's going to say! Like when I ask him for money because of my mom. I bet he can see it in my eyes that I don't want to give her money and I already know he doesn't want to anyway. So yeah. My dad doesn't pay the bills hahaha.

I think what we have is so special. I think I'm the only one who can talk to him like this.

This morning, he knew that I needed to buy food for my spa party. He didn't tell me, but I already knew anyway ;], that he couldn't take me in the morning because he had stuff to do. Soooooo, he slipped me some money under my door. I didn't expect that. It was so nice of him! Yup. :] Now my only problem is transportation. Too bad my dad can't help me with that. =_=

I like Daylight Savings.

I really like Daylight Savings Time. I like how the sun is out longer. I don't get tired and sleepy as fast. Also, you don't have to use electricity as much which is always a good thing. ;]

So tell me why I feel like I didn't sleep at all. My mom says you get an extra hour of sleep but I don't believe that. My body feels awake but my eyes don't.>_>

Today is a big day. I have a lot of things to do. It seems like my weekends are just busy, busy, busy now. It's alright I guess. I just want a day to catch up on all my homework. One thing I accomplished this weekend though was understand most of the pre- cal business I have been ignoring all week. The stuff we learned on Friday is super hard. :/ The book doesn't really help me at all.

Sooo today I have to go get ready soon to go to the store to buy foodstufffs and then I think I'll cook and bake everything at my mom's house. I don't feel very comfortable cooking in this house. I feel like everyone is going to be paranoid and think that I'm going to burn down the house. x_x Hopefully, my brother can help me too. I'm glad he took that cooking class. He can cook for himself now. Then, I have to get over to Shariza and Shaina's house and set up and everything. I get so excited just thinking about my spa party. Daschel says that I might be having the biggest spa party that the team has ever had. I'm happy because that makes me look hella good. ;] Hopefully, I won't be out too late so I can finish my homework.

Another thing that is making me oh so happpy!!!! Here's the story:

Last night I asked my dad for his phone so I can text. He was telling me that he was going to get me a phone. I'm like okay, when? Surprisingly, he says tomorrow! And I'm like woah and ask him if he wanted me to come with him, but then I had a spa party. He says no and I'm like okay. I'm hella busy anyway. You know, at first I was thinking that he was just going to get me a free phone. I don't think he thinks I deserve a nice phone. Especially, how I lost my previous phone. Although he doesn't really know what really happened. I was super surprised though because he said he was getting me the iPhone. I was so shocked and filled with happiness, I couldn't even speak. I couldn't believe that he was going to get me one. I was soo happy. I was planning to buy my phone myself but this sounds better and I'm getting it so soon! Sometime today! Wooooo. I just wonder what my mom will say.. I just won't tell her. :]

Anyway, I must go. I need to get ready for this big day.

Epic, epic Friday!

I woke up to another one of my brother's daily phone calls. I knew something was wrong when I woke up though because it was hella bright in my room. My brother tells me he's outside and I'm like omg, I'm gonna be late! So I just tell my mom to leave without me. We get into a little argument because she doesn't trust me anymore and she thinks I'm going to ditch school again, you know. But I tell her to just leave because she was going to be late for work. So I get ready as fast as I can and I leave the house at like 7:13!! Oh man, I already knew... I ate quickly in the car and by the time I walked past the gate, Mr. Delute announced that I had one minute to get to class. Soooo Superwoman Kim ran her ass in her high heels across the school and up the damn stairs. =_= By the time I greeted senor with a very tiring, "Buenoas dias!" I already felt my breakfast coming back. I threw my stuff onto the desk and ran back outside and threw up in the trashcan next to the stairs. It was kind of funny because right when I threw up this girl came up the stairs hahaha. She was all trying to help me but I was fine. I went back to class and Sofia gave me some cool Spongebob gum that really made my day. I took my oral test with a huge ass headache and still got an A! ;]

Right once I walked into clothing design, Ms. Dancy said that we had to go to the science lecture hall for some presentation. As we walked over there, I was tellinbg Melchor and Gabby about what happened that morning and they were hella laughing saying that I should try out for track. Hahaha, I don't think so. It was my first time going to the science lecture hall and it totally amazed me. It looked just like one of those college classrooms you would see in like movies. It had all the rows that go up and the desks were pretty sick! The table part would like slide up and out and yeah. Hahaha idk it was pretty cool. The presentation was about sex, STD's, pregnancy, etc. The pictures were very graphic and it was making me hella sick. We even heard these really sad stories that made me almost cry. I saw my brother during the presentation which was really nice because he was wearing the sweater I got him for Christmas. He looked so nice in it. :]

After that, I had precal which was totally boring. I cannot understand what's going on in that class! I would really be paying attention, but I wouldn't get it. So then I just give up and do other things like memorize pi! Haha, I know it's never ending but it would be interesting to recite the first 100 numbers of pi. ;] I had an APES test too. We had some lame sub. The test was alright.
I spend lunch socializing and doing business. During lunch, was the first time I ever got cat calls. It kind of creeped me out, especially because those guys were not even cute and they were freshmen. Daysha and I walked out of Pacis' and there were just this huge group of guys who were just like "DAAAAAMNN!" like over and over. Omg. /)_(\. Then Daysha just had to make me feel more ackward by saying it too. I did not feel flattered. :[ Well only when Daysha said it. ;D hahaha but yeah. I kind of got more after that too. :/ I don't even know why. I dress that way everyday! Except today I happened to be wearing a dress. It wasn't even sexy or anything...

ANYWAY, I was so busy during lunch that I ended up eating during Mr. Geroche's. Sadly, he made me eat outside which is a first. He sees me eat in there like everyday. It sucked too because it was cold outside! And it was a bit windy too. =_= We colored a map and I tried to sleep but that Rev3 kept me up all day! I had English next and we had out Grapes of Wrath test. It was soooooooooper easy. :]] I tried sleeping again but I wasn't tired. Then we listened to Banuelos and Madden talk about their courses. I think I'm going to take AP English Language.

Afterschool, we had a "meeting" with step. I could tell there was something wrong with Theresa. It wasn't even really a meeting. So I took action and told everyone that we were performing at Street Scene no matter what Ms. T says. She can kiss my ass for all I care. I also told everyone to try to make up some steps for Street Scene and we would put one together on Monday. Hopefully, I'll find time to make one up. Even if it is a little one. It's gonna be hard though. :/ I can't think of steps off the top of my head.

Then, Kamille and I headed over to the gym to see the volleyball scrimmage. It was versus Suhi. I guess we were playing against their JV. We were practically owning them. I was getting bored so Rick and I tried to eat Chamoy with everything. And I mean everything. Hahahah. x] A little bit later, I guess their Varsity came. They were even better but we still won. :]]

Jonathan, Chanel, Kamille, and I walked to Kamille's house and ate a bit. I had to go to work real quick to drop off some money then I came back. I wasn't sure what to do that night. I was very indecisive hahaha. x_x I ended up watching America's Next Top Model and falling asleep at Kamille's for the night. I found out that for Cycle 13, they're going to let short people try out!!! Which means I totally have a chance! But I don't know hahaha. I guess I can take good pictures but I would rather dress the models. ;]

That morning I showered at Kamille's and ate like two bowls of Captain Crunch cereal hahah. Watching Drake and Josh while eating this humongo fruit. Like it was so huge and the skin was so thick! Hahaha. Then I went home and yeah. :] I'm going to the mall soon with my brother and Christal. I'm just going to go to Borders to handle business and do homework. I have a lot to catch up on. :]

I have to go get ready now. Have a wonderful Saturday! <3

Things fall apart.

Oh gee. I must have written a million blogs and deleted them. I don't know how to put into words how I feel right now.

But basically, I feel like everything is just falling apart. My grades are slipping. I'm working so hard, but it just doesn't seem to be enough for anyone. It's not like I'm not trying. I really am. I've gone to school for seven days straight. That's the longest I've gone to school without ditching this whole semester. I don't know, but things aren't working out for me at school. I hate my school. I can't even reach my counselor so I can get a fee waiver for the SAT's. These strict auxiliary regulations are killing me and it's come to the point where I don't even want to step anymore. It hurts, but I don't like people controlling our team. APES is fucking killing me. She changed the way she grades and it's all weird. I have an F!!!! Ayaiyai. She gives us so much homework, it's ridiculous. It's like an unnecessary amount. Oh god and I have an essay due tomorrow. It's getting to the point where I'm starting to just care less.

My mother has also announced to me that she doesn't want to support me financially. Good fucking job, mother. It's not fair. My dad is barely making enough money. There's no way for my father alone to take care of me. He doesn't even buy me food anymore or give me money. Like seriously, if I need money I go find some goddamn quarters or exchange bottles and cans like some damn homeless person. It's not fucking fair. I also like how my mother keeps asking me to ask my dad for money for the cell phone bill. That annoys me the most because I don't even have a phone anymore. It's just her and my brother. She says she's not supporting me financially because I don't live with her anymore. WELL, my dad doesn't live with my brother so I don't see why he has to pay for their bill. I know my mom is making enough money to support the both of them. She doesn't need to come to us. It's pissing me off. I don't like how she's not even supporting me. She didn't support me in Twirl, for Step, and school. Fuck. I even asked her if she could pay for my SAT's and she said no. And in the bitchiest voice I said, "Okay. I guess I don't have to go to college."

Oh god. I hate how our school is like don't let money get in the way for college. BULLSHIT. I CAN'T EVEN GET A DAMN WAIVER. Free lunch = Free SAT's. Geez. Who do I have to kill to get a damn waiver in this place?

Today I just wanted to get the hell out of here. Out of the city. Out of the state. I just want to get away from everything, from everyone. I want something different. I don't like this at all. I've lost motivation and the support to just do well in life and in school. Honestly, I don't give a fuck anymore. No one fucking appreciates me. My mother thinks I'm the worst damn kid in the world. Oh man. If only my mom really knew me. Everything would be different. Too bad everything she thinks is negative. It's not just her either. My whole family thinks I'm the devil.

I want to get out of here. I'll do anything. I feel like I'm just losing it. I feel like I'm losing myself. )^&(*^$(&yv32hu wafklUy9b*&O%&*$#RYH

whatever. have a great fucking day.

Miss Moody. =_=

I am just in the worst mood right now. I don't know why I feel this way! I'm so like pessimistic and irritable. It's killing me. I was beating myself up earlier for not being able to understand my pre- cal homework and being able to connect to the damn internet. It's true when they say that you're your own worst enemy. It is sooo true! x_x I really hate myself sometimes.

APES hella just killed me today. It's annoying the shit out of me. I don't think it's the subject though, more like the class. Jimenez is throwing so much shit at us. I looked at our homework today and it was more reading. I like how over two weeks we got through three chapters. Three goddamn chapters. Are you fucking kidding me? Oh man and there's more. Our ScrAPES are due on Thursday. GOOD FUCKING JOB. I hate this class. Not only does the work depress me, you know just reading about how the world is gonna fucking end, but the teacher is just full of shit. She even changed the way she grades and I have an F. I don't understand why I have an F! I hella do work in that class. It fucking kills me. I've never had an F in my life until this year. I'll be honest and say that I have slacked off but goddamn an F?! And we have a test Friday. Yipppeee. I might as well kill myself now.

I'm just going to go to sleep. I'm so annoyed that I can't even focus. Like seriously. I feel like I'm just going downhill from here. Everything just seems to get worse and worse. The recession is affecting me and my family. It sucks. I didn't think life was going to be hard like this. I'm only seventeen! I'm not suppose to be dealing with all this grown up business yet. I can't even just relax and go to school like a normal kid. I can't even have fun on the fucking weekends anymore. I could have died Friday night and you know, I just wonder if I did. Would it be better? I really don't like how things are going. Everything is just so hard. I feel like I need someone to hold my hand because I can't get through this alone.

Goodnight.

Pretty chill day.

The sky was bright this morning which usually means it's going to be pretty damn hot today. I was right. Surprisingly, I wore my high waisted shorts today. I said I would never wear them again since the last time I wore them my mom thought I was pregnant. /)_x. I hate it when she asks me that. When a girl gains a few pounds... she's pregnant all of a sudden. But whatever. Today just seemed right.

I didn't participate as much in Spanish because I was laaaazy. Hahaha but I have a B though! Fuccckk yeah and I hella got an F on the last test.
I learned how to backstitch by hand in clothing design today. It was pretty intense. I learned to love the art of hand sewing. It's so interesting and beautiful. It gets me hella sleepy though, just sitting there sewing and talking to Melchor while eating cookies. HAHA. Sometimes, I really feel like a grandma.
Pre- cal was whatever. I honestly did not do shit haha. We were doing like some group work with a paper plate. o_O Yeah, I don't know.
Fourth period, Jamie and I got a pass to go talk to some guy about college. We purposely talked to him for the whole period because we didn't feel like going to APES. Everyone practically has an F because Mrs. Jimenez's stupid ass changed the grading scale. It's whatever.
Lunch was pretty busy but productive. I managed to set up a spa party this Thursday in Senora Gonzales' room. :] I ate lunch with Bashley Bapa which was real fun. I stayed awake in history woot woot. I listened to the lecture, texted friends, and did some work.

We had articulation sixth period. I was totally unprepared for it because I still didn't know what classes to take. :/ In the end I chose Spanish 5-6, AP Psychology, AP Government and Economics, AP American Language, Art 1-2, and sixth period athletics for Step.
Afterschool, I rushed my butt over to the Counseling Office so I can get a fee waiver for the SAT's. I really want to take it and I can't believe no one told me about it until last week. Thanks, guys. =_= I waited forever for nothing and just wrote a note to Ms. Ward. Then after that I went to go invite more teachers to the spa party. I even tried to invite some males. I invited Mr. Gendron and ended up hearing a fifteen minute mini lecture about chemicals, physics, my brother, and how well I did in his class freshman year. I have to admit though, I practically owned that class. It's sad to see that my brother wasn't.

By the time I got to the amp to practice with Step, practice was already over. :'[ Darn. Gendron talks too damn much. I remember I would always fall asleep in his class because that was all he did. While waiting in the front for my mom to pick me up, Joseph teached me the new step real quick. It was a new step to the song, A Milli by Lil' Wayne. I thought it was going to be really lame and I am totally against stepping to music. Morse has always been the school who stepped without music. We really don't need music and we can win competitions without it. But.... the step is pretty sick. :]]]]... eventhough I learned it without the music. It's cool though. I can't wait to learn the rest.

So today really got me thinking about college. There's so much I can do but I'm not sure what to do. I want to learn more about environmental science and become someone who can help save the environment. I'm really passionate about that but I'm not sure if I can handle it mentally. It's so negative and eventhough it's just a little AP class in high school, it gets me really depressed sometimes. I would probably end up killing myself if I did it as a profession. On the other hand, I am in looooooveee with fashion! So of course I want to do fashion design and maybe even some marketing! ;]. I even went to FIDM last year for three days and learned all kinds of stuff. I even started a little portfolio with a few drawings. Things sort of changed though when I started going to the APES workshops during the summer. So yeah... my drawings kind of stopped but my love for fashion design and marketing is coming back! Wooo. But uh yeah. I don't know what to do yet. I'm also not sure if I want to go to school out of the city or out of the state. I was thinking about going to school in Florida or New York since I had family there. I wouldn't have to pay for housing. The other plan was moving to downtown with ASHLEY OCAMPO. <3<3 Fuuuccck yeah. Then maybe go to FIDM. Yup. ;] But man who knows. I still have time to think about all this.

OHHHHHHHHHH and maybe if you're not doing anything, you should go to my spa party! ;D