Honestly....

I know we don't hang out as much as we use to but you guys are the only thing that gets me through the day. When I feel like giving up and when everything feels like it's going downhill, I think of you guys. Those little texts and random calls you give me make me so happy. You have no idea how it makes me feel!! I feel so good knowing that eventhough we don't see each other anymore, I'm still having some kind of impact on your lives. I love how I'm an inspiration to you. I love how you look up to me. It makes me want to become more responsible because I don't want to do something wrong and mess up. I love how you guys see something in me that I can't even see. Like how I'm so hardworking and driven. It's pretty crazy. It really just makes my day.

It really hurts though that the one person in my life doesn't feel that way about me anymore. But it doesn't matter because I still have my friends. <3

What?

It seems like it's just not going to work anymore!! Ever since convention I've been questioning it. I've been thinking about it everyday.

Oops.

You know I think this is just all a misunderstanding. I probably just read everything wrong. I am kind of dumb sometimes. He loves me. :) I shouldn't worry about anything.

Goodmorning.

I'm not having the best morning. We have to pack and clean up today. Then go on that twelve hour drive back home to San Diego. I also woke up to some disappointing text messages.

Last night or early this morning he was telling me how I shouldn't drink and do drugs. But you know I was like you're doing the same thing. Then he goes on to tell me that I'm more important and that he puts me before him. Weird right? Then I'm like telling him that he's important to me too and that he should quit. Then I get a text back saying that he never will. Now this just hurts me the most. I'm willing to do that for him because I love him so much but he's not willing to do it for me. I'm not gonna be mean and make him choose one or the other. It's the thought. I must not be important enough. He must not love me enough to be able to quit or at least cut down. It doesn't seem right that one side of the relationship seems to be putting in work while the other side is doing whatever. I'm so hurt. Maybe this is just another problem we have to work together to overcome. Or maybe I just read the text wrong but then again he didn't call me. His away
message doesn't say he's at home or anything. I've called him but no answer. It worries me. He says don't get too wasted blah blah. He's probably too drunk too function. Too drunk to care about me. Too drunk to even call me. When you black out, that's when people take advantage of you. He tells me this all the time and I never black out. I never fall asleep around people. I take care of myself. I known I can be a hypocrite sometimes, but this is like major hypocriteness.

Our relationship is hanging on a thread. I'm not sure what to do. I love him so much and I'm willing to help fix this, but is he?

1234

I still get those crazy butterflies everytime I hear our song.
I feel the same exact way I felt when I first heard it.

I'm so in love with James Rachal. <3

ughidkhtf.

I'm feeling pretty selfish and spoiled. I don't think I am but it's how I'm feeling right now. I just went with my dad to get money for my car. I saw how much was left in his account and it doesn't look so good. I'm not sure how long it is going to last for him and I don't know what his next paycheck is going to be. Am I really selfish? Just taking this money away from him? I just want to pay him back. I know it'll be faster this time. I really do have hope now.

srszli.

So I saw my pediatrician this morning. Just a normal check up. Towards the end he asked me if I had any questions or anything. I did. I was telling him how I've been having a lot of suicidal dreams lately and how I start walking around half asleep thinking that the world is going to end. I'm afraid sometimes that I can seriously hurt myself. Like kill myself because in my mind at that moment, for some reason I feel like I have to. I don't know how to explain these dreams. I just feel so sad and hopeless. The only way for me to get of of this state, is to just go back to sleep again. But I want to stop feeling like this. Sometimes I feel like it random times in the day. Like I just have these random thoughts.

But anyway. I was telling him all about that and then my mom goes oh it's probably something she's been watching on TV. Okay no.... -_- I don't think Spongebob and black TV shows are making me feel suicidal. She didn't take me seriously. She never does. Like the whole counseling thing several months ago. Yeah that was all bs. That did not help at all. My pediatrician did ask me if I was having a hard time with something or if I was feeling depressed. I lied and said no but he did give me a number to call. It better not be the suicidal hotline. >_> I wonder how many of these cards I've got in the past year.

I hate how people can't take me seriously. Like when I was having trouble with the car, no one believed me. Now we must all suffer and pay for the damages. Boo hoo. I'm not sure what I can do. I've changed the way I dress. I don't talk back anymore. Even if they are wrong. Eh idk.

Gingko plz

So many things go on through my head that I really can't just type them down.

One thing. Even if you have the closest and bestest of friends, they're not always going to be there for you. If anything, you only really have yourself. But it gets hard sometimes when you just need someone you know? And there's no one there. It's tough to be all on your own. Especially when you hate the human race.

Second. People will see you for who you are today and not the person who you can become. It's like people don't believe in you or trust you. So heartbreaking. :'( but whatever. Or like when people argue and they only point out the negative. Like they say something and in your head you're like wtheck seriously, when was the last time I did that? Yeah that's annoying. Or like when people sometimes seem to have no hope. Like they just give up. Like you know if they weren't mad they wouldn't do that haha. But dude sometimes I wish people can just be mad for like a few minutes and not for hours. I think I bitch for five minutes then my head is back on after that. Then I have to deal with angry people for the rest of the day because they won't cool their pants off.

Third. I was an amazing person before. I was just thinking about it. What made me so great was the fact that I was so independent. I depended on no one. I'm serious. I depended on noooo one!! Not even in team projects in school haha. Even when someone would let me down, I would be fine with it. I would just let it go. After being with someone who use to hella take care of you is finally gone, that's when you learn that you have to be on your own. And that's what I did. I was a pretty good person too. Like I was an angel. I'm not going to lie haha. But then that incident happened where friends back stabbed, drama started, and other dumb stuff that didn't make sense came out of nowhere. Ah... That's where I pretty much lost faith in everything. I think that's where I lost it. Grades went down dude. Like wtf 3.8 to 1.8? That's some serious business. Yeah and some other stuff. Blah blah. I don't feel like typing my life story.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I have to be independent again. I have to stop depending on other people. I need to learn how to be on my own. I'm just disappointing myself by putting trust into people and just being let down. Don't be sad, but I can't even rely on the closest people to me. You know honestly it feels like people realize I'm alive when they're drunk or on drugs. Like they suddenly realize that I exist. They call me. Tell me how much they love me and miss me. How we should hang out. They tell me how much of an inspiration I am to them. How much I mean to them in their lives. It sounds all so nice but when they're sober it's like what they said wasn't true. I think it is true though. Partially maybe. I just don't understand why they can't do this normally.

Anyway, I'm pretty much losing my mind. I seriously have lost faith in everything. Everything I believed in seems to be a big fat lie. I don't know. I just wish I had someone. I wish people can see that I'm trying to change and that I have improved as a person. This summer has taught me so much but everyone seems to not see that.

It hurts so much. I cry every night. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't have direction. I don't know where I'm going.

Monday morning...

So I just found out that one of my friends mom died of a heart attack yesterday. It makes me so sad because I know this was one hundred percent preventable.

Um idk. I'm lazy to blog.

Laundry business.

They trip the fuck out when I leave my clothes in the washer or dryer for like ten minutes and they fucking leave their goddamn shit in there all day. People have places to go and they need clothes.

Got into another fight with my mom of course. Biggest one ever. Wgaf.

Um so basically everything I believed in before is a lie. You can't trust or depend on anyone. Even that one person closest to you. When you are like way down to a hundred negative on the emotional rollercoaster, they still won't be there for you! So yes. In the end all you have is yourself. I'm disappointed because I put all my trust into somebody. Boo hoo fairy tales aren't real. :(

Don't trust anyone. It's like I have to sleep with a gun under my pillow.

bend tha rulesz.

I think maybe if you're on a break with someone and you're not suppose to be talking to each other, it's okay to talk when one is feeling like shit. When one is stressed the fuck out and eveyone is giving her a hard ass time. When everything is falling apart. When everything she thought she knew wasn't true. When important events don't fall through and people flake. When fatherly figures don't play their part. When some people leave their goddamn clothes in the dryer. And of course a million other things. I could usually take negative things okay but this is getting out of hand.

And oh yes. I have no one right now and he can't just be there for me. Especially at this time. And most especially because I'm leaving tomorrow. Oh wellszzz.

I'll probably end up holding everything inside and then it'll all explode in my face later and I might just kill myself.

Boo hoo. :( bye.

Ugly people.

I am just so sick and tired. I am doing everything to the best of my ability and it just doesn't seem like enough. I am getting irritated and frustrated with some people because they can't even cooperate with me or give me a helping hand when I hella need it. It just kills me inside when the people closest to you can't even help you and sometimes without them it's just so hard to keep moving. Sometimes you can't even move on because you're stuck doing one thing.

I don't know how I can continue. It's just another one of those days again where I feel so alone. I don't know what to do. I've tried everything. I've worked so hard. Nothing is paying off. Nothing is happening. No one is believing in me because I'm not successful yet. People see you for who you are today and not the person who you could become. Blah blah. The quote was something like that.

Maybe if my goddamn parents can see that I'm going through some problems and not through some shit to "get attention" I wouldn't even feel this way. Who the fuck needs parents anyway if they can't even support you?

Natural high.

Im on my period and I'm seriously eating everything in sight!! The last time I ate like this was back in the day when I was a pothead and oh man let me tell you!! I ate EVERYTHING! That was when I gained all that weight. =_=

I think it could also be the fact that I'm eating my feelings. :( I'm quite disappointed in myself. I took action though and began creating some change in myself. If you want change, you must first become the change. I smiled more today and said hi to complete strangers. Today I appreciated nature more than I usually do. I also changed my hair! I usually don't do anything drastic but I did!! The color is nice but it's not like OMFG THE COLOR OF YOU HAIR! Uh yeah. I'll post pictures tomorrow or something. I haven't styled it or anything. I'm not sure what I could do with it though. It's okay!! It'll grow out. ;)

So today James and I got into another fight. :( it was really bad this time and of course it's all my fault. -_- idk what to do with myself anymore but I felt so much better after talking to Shaina! Woot woot. I was all hella feeling depressed and just decided to talk to someone who's more experienced... I guess haha. Well she's married and I'm pretty sure she's gone through way worse stuff than we have. What she said really made sense. :) I know we're going to be back together. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday. I understand I'm not the greatest person in the world right now but there's always room for change!! I'm glad I talked to her today because I learned so much. ;)

I think I should hit the hay now. I'm using all my will power to not eat. >____> I've been eating peperoncinis all day and I just fell in love with this mango ice cream from the Philippines. O_o I think ever since I got my hair done I got more Asian or something. I should learn to embrace it though. :/ I'm just so ashamed sometimes. I should be proud. =_= but idk I kind of wish I was another kind of Asian.

Anyway!!!! Goodnight! Hopefully I can wash the dishes without grabbing another bite to eat. :3

Successful people think of potential gain.

So I'm pretty happy. Everything is going well with everything. I'm just so disappointed in myself for the mistakes I've made this summer. I wish someone had gotten me out of that hole of depression sooner, but I was all alone. But it's okay though. I've learned and I will never get back to that state again.

I just have to get over it and move on. I really need to make up for all the time that has been lost. It just sucks because August is pretty busy and school is in September. Ugh boo hoo.

I've been really annoyed with people lately though. They say one thing and mean another. They lie to me. They flake out. I'm sick of all these narrow minded people in the world and all the average people who don't want to take risks. Then there are those people who let little things stop them from doing something big. I'm tired of all these stubborn people. I've wasted too much time trying to get through their thick skulls.

It's okay. Those kind of people will get it soon. Even if it takes them several years...