On the brightside...

I think I accomplished a lot today. I finished my scrapes book including my extra credit. Woot woot. I also noticed that miss pregnant Jimenez's boobs were HUGE today! Like damn. O_O HAHA. Anyway, continuing... I also was able to get a fee waiver and get the table back to Shariza. Hm well now that I look at it, it doesn't seem like I accomplished THAT much.

It doesn't matter! All that matters is that I'm happy now. :) I've got a load off my chest, I get to take the SAT's for free, and tomorrow is Friday! Well basically today is Friday but yeah whatever. :)

I'm not truly happy though. There's still little things that bother me that I leave in the back of my head. Or instance, the swine flu! There are countless cases in the United States and a young child in Texas has already died. :( Dont forget to mention the fifty something mexicans in Mexico! It's so sad. I'm honestly scared out of my pants. Idk if our vitamins can protect us from this. It's really scary! I don't want to go to school because I'm afraid I might get it from someone. x_x like everyone is seriously playing around and what not but no one is gonna be laughing when we know that it's in our area.

Quite disappointed.

I said I wouldn't give in...

Don't ask me why. Lolol

twitter.com/kimdandy.



Cute, huh? Like Jim Dandy but Kimberlified.
Thasss right! That's how you do it. :D

not in ze mood.

Today was the first day of CST testing. Honestly, this is the first time I totally bullshitted this kind of thing. I felt really bad at first but then I realized that I had to do much more important things like pass my classes. I spent the whole morning studying precal and reading Cosmopolitan. I even wrote James a letter too. ;] I hated how we still had to go to class after lunch. Morse is so whack. >__> I had Spanish, clothing design, and precal today. I turned in a bunch of work for clothing design. Apparently, I had like little points because I forgot to turn stuff in. x_x I also got started on my Chapter Four test for precal. I wrote down the problems that I didn't know so I could ask someone for help with them. :]


Ummmm, idk why but I don't feel like blogging. ;_;

Pathetic.

I like how you're trying to talk to me now and be there for me for my problems and what not. I see you're trying to hang out with me and spend some time. You know it was all fun and cute and stuff before but now it's kinda.... lame. I thought maybe you actually wanted to be friends or something BUT I can totally see right through you. I know what you really want. It's pretty damn annoying too because you already know I'm with somebody. Guys like you make me sick and it just amuses me to just see you work so hard. I would love to tell you this in person but you're so goddamn stubborn and deny EVERYTHING.

Grow a penis and realize that it's been over.

Fourth piercing!

So I just got my lip pierced for like the millionth time already. And of course the brazy Marc Brusius did it. He was telling me how I was the only person he has pierced the most haha. x) But seriously this time is the last time! I'm going to take better care of my piercings. :) No more falling asleep with my retainers on! Hahaha.

Honestly, I'm not really in the blogging mood today. o_o

Well goodnight! ;)

Sundaes.

It seems like everyone is starting to have some trust issues with me. I really don't understand! It was like whatever at first but now it's starting to bother me. :( Like people aren't able to take me seriously or believe me anymore. It kind of hurts actually. :'(

I really don't know what I can do to make people trust me, especially my mom. I guess prove them wrong? But idk my mom still thinks I'm pregnant sometimes and it's been forever and no baby has popped out of me. >_> Maybe I should just wait and leave it alone. I don't need to worry anyway. I haven't lied or done anything wrong.

Anyway, I woke up and felt real good today. :) I really felt powerful, like I can do anything. I felt like I could accomplish anything and everything this week. :D It's perfect because this is how I need to be feeling for the next couple of weeks until summer. Which reminds me... summer is practically around the corner!! It's kind of scary actually. Idk where April went! It flew by like it was nothing! The beginning of May is on Friday! That is so crazy!! I've got this whole month and then June for finals. Then it's over. o_o Oh mannnn. It's going to be crazy!!! I have so much to catch up on. Ayaiyai and my APES exam test is in like two weeks!!! I'm actually quite excited haha. It's like my old super nerdy self is beginning to kick in. ;)

Something that did bring me down a little this morning was my dream. -__- Well I thought it was good at first until I looked it up. I don't really remember it but I guess there were these two classrooms connected to each other. I don't really remember specifically who were in these rooms but I know James was in the other room that I wasn't in. You know he's been in my dreams a lot lately. :) Anyway, I'm not sure what we were all doing in the two rooms but I do remember throwing up a lot. It felt good though. Like I was cleansing myself and that's what I thought it meant. I remember I was sitting down in my seat and someone handed me a bottle of Perfecting Essence. It was kind of weird because it said on the bottle that it could whiten teeth which was weird because I know that it's for the face. >_> haha. But idk then someone else told me that if you put it in your mouth, it would turn into gum. o_o and of course silly me put it in my mouth! And
apparently it was super nasty and I threw up in the other room. That was the weird part. I would be throwing up in a trashcan in the other room next to James.

My dreams really don't make sense sometimes. >_> I woke up and I looked up what me throwing up meant. In the wonderful dream dictionary that Luke Lacasa gave to me, it said that I would suffer from a chronic illness or I would cheat on James. I was creeped out because when I think of having a chronic illness, I think of having leukemia again. I really don't want to have it again. Ironically, last week where I was super suicidal, I kind of wished that I had it again. I hope I'm not jinxing myself here... and for the cheating part, which I can control, is so not going to happen. I'm not the kind of person who would hurt people I care about UNLESS Paul Walker showed up at my front door all of a sudden. xD HAHA like that would happen!! Well even if it did, I would probably be too shocked to do anything hahaha.

So like I didn't like these meanings so I went to another source. I went to dreammoods.com. I honesty don't know why I use that specific website haha. But it said something like how I should confront something or someone in my life and just let it go. I don't really remember what it said exactly. It made more sense actually. I just didn't know who or what. Then it hit me later this afternoon. It really makes sense now. I don't want to call him out here though haha. BUT MAYBE IF HIS PUNK ASS WOULD ANSWER THE GODDAMN PHONE AND MAYBE KEEP HIS WORD HE WOULD KNOW WHAT WAS UP.

Whatever. =_= idgafa!!

Annywaaaaays... I should be getting ready. I'm quite excited actually because I'm going to work today! I heard things have been moving and shaking and I'm pretty happy. :) I'm also going to Walmart with my mother. I'm going to go buy some patterns for Clothing Design. Ironically, I am failing that class. I have like 400 points. I think you need at least like 10,000 for a C or D. Ayaiyai. >_> I need to start making clothes like there's no tomorrow!!

Have a lovely rest of the day and have good dreams!! :D

You learn from mistakes.

So I'm not going to do what I did last time and walk around and be this emo little girl. I think that's what messed me up a little in the beginning but then that was when he entered the picture.. o_o

WELL, I should be happy still. I should like go plant a tree or something lolol. Of course I would do that. Omg I really want to watch Earth! Each ticket you buy during opening week plants a tree! We can all seriously rebuild a forest if we all just go watch this movie!! I'm afraid that I'm going to end up watching it alone actually. >_> but you know, that's fine! :(:( idk it would be nice to watch with someone. Ashley is doing something since it's her birthday and Kamille is doing something with her grandma idk. ;_; or I can just make it a team event...

Which reminds me...! I just LOOOVE how everyone is going green! It brings a twinkle to my eye. :') hahaha no really though. I got more products today and I noticed that the filling was BIODEGRADABLE!!! Woo Ima stick that shit in the compost bin tomorrow. I just love how it like disappears after a few days. It amazed me. *__*

Too bad I didn't really do anything for Earth Day yesterday. But it's okay though!! Everyday should be Earth Day. :) I really want to get my hair cut at Paul Mitchel. They're having this Earth Day special. "Cut hair, not trees." Cute, huh? Hahaha but I already cut my hair! Oh whaaaale. I think maybe it's time for short hair?!?!?! Eh, not really.

You know what really freaks me out? My dream dictionary. :(:( I had a weird dream right now and I looked it up. The signs came true today and I'm so freaked out. Omg I have to stop reading this book at night. Ayaiyai. Well I should go to bed now. I hope I have a good dream.

Goodnight!!

She always thinks I'm prego.

I really don't know why. I can't even count how many times she thought I was. Like today I was telling her how I was throwing up and everything. How I didn't feel good and what not. Then she goes, "when was the last time you had your period?" -______- I know she was thinking that I was probably having morning sickness. I probably my gave her a little heart attack too haha. But then in the most ghetto way I could I was like, "today." hahahah gotcha mama!

You know sometimes it's like she wants me to be pregnant. You have no idea how many times she asks me if I am! I sweaaar like if I gain a little weight she thinks I'm pregnant. And like I have a really weird menstrual cycle. Like it doesn't come every month like it's suppose to. I remember last year when I use to live with her, I didn't have my period for like two months and she was totally freaking out. Omg it was so annoying. >_>

Like idk how my mom thinks of me but she's got it all wrong. I remember one time she met Jeffrey Barrera... x_x oh gosh, it was horrible. She was saying how I change boys like how I change my clothes. Good one, mother. I wonder where she got that from haha. But idk mannnn. She's always thinking that I'm like always playing around and stuff. She doesn't take me seriously. -_-

Well that's all I had to say. I just thought it was pretty amusing. x)

Deep shit.

I got in trouble for messing with the toilet. /)_- I don't really want to talk about it actually. I was just kind of irritated though because I seriously can't control how much comes out of me okay!

So I forced myself to get out of the house today. My goddamn auntie didn't pick me up so I just walked to school. I was feeling so sick. I was just throwing up all along the way. It wasn't good. My brother wasn't even at school when I got there so he still had my phone. x_x I just watched the twirl try outies practice and what not and read some of Slaughterhouse- Five. Then I called my dad and told him to get my phone from my brother then give it to me at Morse. He did everything BUT give it to me! >___> I mean Morse was on the way back he could have given it to me. I was getting so irritated. I knew I had to eat but I couldn't hold anything down. Ayaiyai. I forced myself anyway but I didn't feel too good after. :{

Today was mock try outs. I was nervous yes because I never really danced before. :[ I don't even think I'm all that great. =_= I really hope I make it though because then if I didn't I would have to do sports and everyone knows that I am not the athletic type. -__-

It wasn't so bad actually. I know what I have to work on. I'm at Kamille's house right now and just ate. x___x You shouldn't be dancing around with a full stomach hahaha. It doesn't feel so great. :[ Especially after shitting your brains out and throwing up all over Bullock. :[ I don't feel good right now either. I just feel like throwing up and just sleeping the whole day. I'm not sure if I'm sick. I didn't sleep good last night. I kept tossing and turning. I wasn't sure if it was that screamo music that was playing (lolol) or all the stuff that has been on my mind. Well maybe both but idk. I use to always sleep with screamo music playing.

Well um I don't know what to do now. I have probably destroyed every good thing in my life already. I really don't know why I did it. I'm telling you.. I belong in an aslyum. Too bad I don't have anyone to talk to. Daysha didn't want to talk about anything negative.. That's okay. But hooray for me for fucking everything up. =_=

I'm so sick right now. x_x Blog later.

Beautiful day.

I didn't go to school today, but I know I should have. I feel like I'm going to be missing out on a lot today. But uhhh yeah, I really don't care. I don't know where my dad is. I was going to go back to whatever period is next but I have no one to take me anyway. >_> I do need to be back when school ends. I need to get my phone and give Danna her shoes back.

I'm going to be a bit graphic here.... but I hella took a shit earlier man. Like it was a lot. Even I was like, "Damn." Hahaha. But I do feel better some reason... a little lighter. x] and I don't know, clean? I don't know why I keep using the bathroom like that. You know they say you have to go poo like everyday right? Well, I don't go everyday. It's more like two or three times a week and it's ususally a lot. There must be something wrong with me.

Eh so I totally lost my glasses. They're in my room somewhere though I just don't know where. So I was glassless like all day yesterday. I thought I would be suffering and dying, but it was alright. This must be a sign though to get new glasses. You're suppose to get check ups once a year. I haven't had one for two and I think my vision has improved since then. /)_x My mom won't schedule me an appointment with my optometrist until Friday. -__- She doesn't know how urgent this is. I need glasses like tomorrow. x_x

So uhm gameplan for today? I really don't know. I guess whereever the wind takes me. I really need to talk to Daysha though. It's weird sometimes. Daysha can always understand me. Like it's weird. It's like she has gone through it already but I know she hasn't. >__>

Okay so I pushed another boy away from me today. I did it once before and I regretted it. Ugh man, will I ever learn? I keep doing this.

Sorry, can't finish blog. Gotta gtfo of here.

Focus.

I was reading Slaughterhouse- Five in English today and it was talking about how the Tralfamadorians were saying that humans should really try learning how to ignore the negative and only concentrate on the positive.

SO like right now I feel like shit and I just want to kill myself. I was just like hm I should think about the positives today and I was going to like type it all out but yeah,.... negatives outweigh the positives. Yeah and for some reason I don't even want to think about the positives. I don't even know if anything nice happened today. Maybe a few. Who knows.

But geez man I don't know why my mind has been so negative lately. I really don't know what to do. I want to get out of this hole of depression but then at the same time I don't. I just want to end it now. It's the perfect day. I ruined everything for myself already. It's a beautiful day. I mean, why not?

Oh man oh man. I just seriously want to go live in an aslyum. I think I'm going crazy. I don't want to be around people or anything. I just want to be by myself.

I'm being such an emo bitch. I'm gonna fucking shoot myself. >__>

Ummmm but I don't know. Everything is so bad right now. I don't know how to fix this.

04397958326014597340. uh yeah im fucking out.

Epic

Oh man! I'm blogging! What?! Yeah I know. It's been a while. :( I've been actually really busy. I'm not even kidding! I'm always doing something. Yeah but that's all going to change now that my six weeks are over and I don't have to go insane about deadlines and what not.

Since I've got that out of the way, I'm really going to focus more in school now. Or at least try to. I think we have eight more weeks. It seems really short and I have to do some crazyness to get at least a 4.0. I know pretty crazy huh? But I know I can bring my 1.3 up there! Hahaha don't doubt me!!

So I'm actually at the salon right now getting my hair done. James was all freaking out because he doesn't want my hair any shorter. I don't want it to be shorter either but I have to! These split ends and dead hair is killing me!! Besides, if I get a trim my hair will grow even faster.

I really don't think that I want to get my hair dyed anymore. I don't like this feeling of putting all these chemicals and who knows what on my head. It might even be making me stupider! The chemicals could be seeping through my pores and into my brain! Ayaiyai. The reason why I say this is that my head is burning! Like WTF is this?! It hurts. I just wanna wash my hair out already. Plus it's itchy and I can't scratch. -_-

On the other hand, I'm trying out for all female. Everyone is like omg Kimberly is trying out for everything! That's true. I was in twirl for two years and I was in step this year. But at least I made the teams I tried out for. There are some people, I won't mention names LOL, that try out for literally EVERYTHING and don't make it. Haha sorry but I kind of think it's funny. But idk. I was kind of doubting myself in the beginning of the week because I wasn't sure if I could do choreography. Like I can dance... I guess HAHA but idk. >_> one team I tried out for and didn't make it was IDK. It's okay though. I'm like a super slow learner haha. I'm glad we have like two weeks and not three hours! It's only Saturday and I think I have it down. Or almost. Whatever.

Um I'm not really sure what to blog about now. My hair is killing me. I want to wash my hair out like right now!!!! My mom is looking at me like I'm insane. I was telling her how all these chemicals were making me uncomfortable. Haha how ironic in a way. x)

Okay well I hope everyone has a good day. It's going to be a great weekend with beautiful weather! Go outside today for a change. Oooh and Earth Day celebration is tomorrow at Balboa!! I think the team is going tomorrow. :):)

I'm going to blog more!! Hopefully everyday! Ttyl. ;)

I'm sorry, but I want to give up.

It's so bad now. I'm so sick of everything. I've been worked too hard and been pushed way over the edge. I can't stand how things are. I try to change and fix things but in the end it just blows up in my face.

I don't know how to deal with anything anymore. I just want to lock myself up in my room and not see anyone. I thought I climbed out of my hole of depression today but it looks like I fell back in. I realized today that my mom is a fake bitch that doesn't care about me... Oh wait. I've been knowing that. I also realized that I seriously can't trust anyone. I'm never ever in my life going to depend on anyone. I think maybe being stabbed in the back by someone who is closest to you is the worst thing ever. You think everyone is cool with you but they're not. They secretly hate you and talk shit about you when you're not looking. It's so bad that I eat lunch by myself with Mr.Geroche. Like seriously wtf is that?

You know there's like this little handful of people I can trust but I'm so scared now. I'm afraid they're going to do me wrong. I feel so alone and lost. It's like I have no one to turn to. I feel like I'm giving up on life now. I really honestly don't want to be here. I have no one now. I think I'm pushing people away but at the same time I want them to be close to me. They can't because I can't trust anyone. Right once I did, I got fucking slapped in the face. Today I have never felt so mad or hated another human being so much. I was scared because I was not normally like this.

Blahblahblah. Who fucking cares what Kimberly Dela Cruz has to say. To me she's dead.

James Rachal.

I miss you so much.

I hope you read this soon. I wasn't sure how to reach you. I've been busy all day and night.

Gone...

I'm fucking up and I really don't care anymore. Everyone is trying to help me, but it's not working. I honestly want to live in a aslyum. I think there's something terribly wrong with me and I don't want to see anybody. I want to be alone. I don't want to have to deal with people.

I think I have lost myself. I've done things that I use to think that I would never do. I don't think the same way anymore. I'm purposely trying to stay away from everyone. I think it's because I'm just going to end up hurting them all.

I want to be put in a place where I wouldn't be a harm to myself or others, but where can that be though?

What went wrong?

I used Kleenex tissue like there was no tomorrow. I slept through two tests. Well actually, I just slept in every class. I ate lunch by myself because I didn't want to see anyone. I was mean and I ignored people. I ignored text messges and phone calls. I don't want to talk or see anyone. I can't even do my homework and study because I can't focus.

I really want to leave. When my mom asked me if I wanted to go to the Philippines, I said yes because I assumed she meant soon. She really meant next year. Who in the world knows how it's going to be like for me next year? Am I even going to make it that far? I feel like I'm dying of stress. I can't take a break or everything will just fall to pieces if it hasn't already.

Too bad. I'm taking a break right now knowing what it can do to me. There's something wrong. I can't not care, but I don't know what it is.

Good night.