Snaugen es.

I know it's kind of weird but I like it when my eyes are dialated. I think they make me more pretty by making my eyes look huge. Idk man. It amazes me though how my eyes can just be like that.

"idk how she does it. She just does."

Maybe I should just stay away from society for a week this time of the month.

Anyway, successful spa party!!! Especially the fact that it was for two people. MY MOM and my auntie who can barely speak English. Amaaazing!! Especially my mom dude. I tried selling products to her months ago. That didn't work. -_- haha but yes I'm proud. I'm still kind of disappointed though because I know I could have done even better. Ah, oh well. No time to be sorry for myself. Tomorrow will be tomorrow.

I think I have a mini me, Isagani Wagayen!!! Yaaay! Spa party prince and princess. ;)

What?

I don't know what you are to me anymore. You don't try to make me happy at all. You don't even want to be around me when I'm unhappy. You can at least be there for me when I need you.

Ahhh

I miss having someone that can just make you feel better. You can go to them with a problem or whatever. Or maybe you're like just sad or whatever and they'll make you happy. Make you a little more positive and you can move on with your day. This is taking too long. Laying down here and trying to be happy on your own.

"don't you ever feel alone?"

So yes everything is getting harder and I've learned again for the millionth time that no one is there for me. >:o!!!!! Eventhough I would like my lovers to help me out when I effing need them but goddamn. They don't even want to talk to me AT ALL when I'm just a littttttttle down in the dumps. My boyfriend doesn't even want to talk to me when I'm just a little sad or upset. Ugggggh fail me. That's why I love him so much in the first place!!! When everyone failed me, he would always be there. Well efffff that mfn crap. I guess I forgot what it meant to be independent. I forgot that before I was able to handle all this without anybody. Man but then I got comfortable and I got use to it which isn't a good thing. So all I gotta do now is to just force myself to be that way eventhough it hurts. Eventhough I cry every effing night because I have no one to turn to. Even if I get so angry I hella swear I'm about to kill someone. Even.... Whatever. Like anyone
reads this anyway. >:o

Oh oh OHHHHhHHHHh it kills me when people ask ME for help. I'm not nice anymore. I'm not gonna help you, you selfish bzs. Do it yourself.

Ghettonezzzz

I don't think Paradise Valley hospital is legit. This is some ghetto hospital in a ghetto nasty city. I knew a lot of people who died here and idk man.... After watching Sicko, I think they could have lived. Especially this morning, actually I'm still here, the optometry people are giving me a hard time. Ugggghhh I don't even want to explain!!! My appoitment hasn't even started yet! They still need to stick random stuff in my eye and blind me for a couple hours. Ugh man. Hurry up Obama so people like me don't gotta suffer no more.

Other things that have bothered me this morning..... Not having a computer and printer. Also the fact that for some reason there aren't any customer forms on the USANA website. Ahhhhhh I'm not printing out forty unnecessary pages!!!!! We need to be greeen. But uhm whatever. I'll find a way. >_>

So I was filling out some forms and it asked me if I've ever done these illegal things and I effing said yez dude. Visit me in jail guys. :'( I hope the doctor doesn't ask me anything about it in front of my dad though omg. I would be a goner hahah. Or just imagine if my mom was here instead. O_o disaster.

I'm the only youg person here. Everyone here is hella old dude and omg they keep looking at me. I hate struggling with medical insurance and alla that bullshiz. Obama needsa do something now. >:o little blind people like me can't see!!!! x_x

Crash and burn.

This is so hard. I don't like how no one wants to help me one bit. Like they want me to fail.

Shhh..

He said he didn't even like talking to me. Statements like that make me question why we're even together. Why would you want to be with someone who you don't even like talking to? How can you communicate? And it makes sense now why we fight so much. We can't even communicate right. I don't know what to do. I have always known that Ive talked too much. I know I'm blunt and loud. I know I'm too honest. Maybe I should do the complete opposite now and maybe he'll actually like talking to me. I wonder what the old me would say. She never really expressed what was on her mind. She just kept thoughts to herself. It kills me now if I can't say something out loud. I guess I have to start doing that. I just hate holding things in because they always all explode out of nowhere. Sometimes I feel like he's only in love with the old me.

Well I don't know what to do now. Talk or dont talk? I guess I'll give him that weekend he wanted to himself. I love him so much. I hope he likes talking to me again. Maybe I should talk about more interesting stuff. I'm such a granny. :(

A mission.

I am still drunk and my mom is on the way to my house to take me to swap meet. This better be quick dude. All I need is socks and I'm out.

I felt like crap when I woke up dude. I felt like the world was ending. I felt like I had nothing. I felt the way I usually do after I roll. Super depressed and hopeless. It was really weird. I don't know what to do. My mom is yelling at me. Idk where my car is. My dad isn't answering. I really just can't handle this right now.

Let's go.

I've never been so heart broken in my life. I've never been so sure of anything ever. But you know I've learned that everyone in your life is a teacher. Everyone you know is an angel sent to you to teach you something. I've learned a lot from him. A whooole lot! It's just too bad that it couldn't last forever like I thought it would be. It's like everything I believed in was a lie.

I wonder how many times I have said this, but Disney should be sued for these crazy fairy tales and the fact that true love lasts forever.

Anyway, goodnight. Or goodmorning. Yeah whatever.

You can have it.

Sometimes I'm afraid that we can't be together because we don't share the same values.

Sweet dreams.

I had a nightmare last night. It was actually a nightmare in a nightmare. I was really scared and I was crying. I didn't want to go back to sleep but I did fall asleep eventually. I couldn't really talk about my dream to anyone because I didn't want to think about it but at the same time I wanted to.

So this morning I decided to decipher it. A lot of it made sense. Like it was kind of creepy how accurate it was. It helped me realize certain things. Like I guess it helped admit to myself certain problems that I'm having or trying to ignore. A lot of it made so much sense to me that it was crazy. There were some of it that was bad and really negative but I'm not going to pay attention to those. A dream can't shape my reality.