One thing. Even if you have the closest and bestest of friends, they're not always going to be there for you. If anything, you only really have yourself. But it gets hard sometimes when you just need someone you know? And there's no one there. It's tough to be all on your own. Especially when you hate the human race.
Second. People will see you for who you are today and not the person who you can become. It's like people don't believe in you or trust you. So heartbreaking. :'( but whatever. Or like when people argue and they only point out the negative. Like they say something and in your head you're like wtheck seriously, when was the last time I did that? Yeah that's annoying. Or like when people sometimes seem to have no hope. Like they just give up. Like you know if they weren't mad they wouldn't do that haha. But dude sometimes I wish people can just be mad for like a few minutes and not for hours. I think I bitch for five minutes then my head is back on after that. Then I have to deal with angry people for the rest of the day because they won't cool their pants off.
Third. I was an amazing person before. I was just thinking about it. What made me so great was the fact that I was so independent. I depended on no one. I'm serious. I depended on noooo one!! Not even in team projects in school haha. Even when someone would let me down, I would be fine with it. I would just let it go. After being with someone who use to hella take care of you is finally gone, that's when you learn that you have to be on your own. And that's what I did. I was a pretty good person too. Like I was an angel. I'm not going to lie haha. But then that incident happened where friends back stabbed, drama started, and other dumb stuff that didn't make sense came out of nowhere. Ah... That's where I pretty much lost faith in everything. I think that's where I lost it. Grades went down dude. Like wtf 3.8 to 1.8? That's some serious business. Yeah and some other stuff. Blah blah. I don't feel like typing my life story.
So I guess what I'm saying is that I have to be independent again. I have to stop depending on other people. I need to learn how to be on my own. I'm just disappointing myself by putting trust into people and just being let down. Don't be sad, but I can't even rely on the closest people to me. You know honestly it feels like people realize I'm alive when they're drunk or on drugs. Like they suddenly realize that I exist. They call me. Tell me how much they love me and miss me. How we should hang out. They tell me how much of an inspiration I am to them. How much I mean to them in their lives. It sounds all so nice but when they're sober it's like what they said wasn't true. I think it is true though. Partially maybe. I just don't understand why they can't do this normally.
Anyway, I'm pretty much losing my mind. I seriously have lost faith in everything. Everything I believed in seems to be a big fat lie. I don't know. I just wish I had someone. I wish people can see that I'm trying to change and that I have improved as a person. This summer has taught me so much but everyone seems to not see that.
It hurts so much. I cry every night. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't have direction. I don't know where I'm going.
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