Dare to sleep?

I'm scared to go to sleep. I don't want to but my body needs to. I keep dreaming about him. I wake up happy then realize it's not happening in real life. I can't believe I messed up my whole life in one night. I honestly feel I am at my lowest low. There really is only one way to go and that's up. It seems like such an unachievable goal. I want to reach it. I need to find the willpower. I've just lost more of myself. I am totally losing it. I feel like this is the fall of me. I feel like this is just the end. My future isn't clear anymore. I don't see anything. I know I've got the whole fashion designer thing but it just wouldn't be the same if I didn't have anyone to share the success with. He really felt like he was the one. I'm not being stupid. I really think that. I cannot picture myself with anyone else. No one can replace him. I hella fucked up dude. Like you don't even know. I would do ANYTHING to just take everything back. I'll give up my two
legs for everything to just come back to me.

I will fucking do anything I'm serious. Anything. Omg. I just don't want this so bad. But I fucking deserve it dude. I hella deserve this and maybe I just need to. Maybe that's God's plan for me. Go through this shit. He wouldn't give me a difficult task if I couldn't do it right? I just need the strength. Please God give me strength. I need it. I really need it. I never felt this way before. I am just so weak. I'm sorry I failed you and just everyone in general.

This is so horrible. I don't even know if I'm sober because this is so unreal. Fuck. Shit. God please have mercy on me. It hasn't been long but I can't stand this anymore. I just wanna die right now. I don't even know what's stopping me. I just wanna leave. I wanna get out of this world. I need to gtfo. I don't know what to do. Please help me. Guide me. Show me the way. I can't be doing this anymore. I'm sorry. I'm such a pussy. I can't fucking stand this shit anymore. I fucked up! I know. You have no idea how I feel. I'm so upset with myself. I hate myself. I miss how things were. I fucking miss it. I hella just lost everything. Just take my life too! I would rather die now then to have to endure this pain. I don't wanna live anymore. I'm so confused. I don't know what I want.

Like I really just messed things up. Idk how many times I've said that but it's so true. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this. Everything is such a blur. I didn't mean to hurt you or anyone else. I want people to be fucking happy. Please. Write that on my goddamn will. World peace. Happiness. Prosperity. Please I don't want to be doing this.

When will I sober up?! I feel like I never will. This is probably reality right now and I'm just not realizing it. I'm so done dude. I'm tired of this life. I'm sick of people underestimating me and not believing in me. I have no goddamn support. Haters and people who talk shit piss me off. Stop messing with peoples lives! Like seriously. Man I don't even know. I just want out. I'm afraid to fall asleep too like I have to keep typing.

I was just so hurt because while I was pouring my heart and soul out to him, he just didn't believe me and said it was all bullshit. Is this some type of defense mechanism? I really meant what I said and I said what I meant. I don't think anything is going to get better. He said he wasn't happy when he was with me and he won't be happy without me. I think that's a lie. I know I must have meant something to him. I just know it. I don't know if he'll be happy without me but I really hope so. I want him to be happy and to be able to find someone way better than me. I'm such a failure. I just fail at everything. I can't make anyone happy. Why should I even be here right? I always make dumb choices.

I hate this. You don't even know. I never hated something so much. I hate this feeling. I've never felt this before or have even come close to feeling this. I can't describe it. I feel like I'm already dead. Like half dead. Just walking around mindlessly. I feel like my life has no purpose now. He really was my everything. It's dumb I know but he really means something. I don't think I can function without him. I don't know what I'm going to do. We seriously had our lives planned out. I don't even want to think about them because I'm already crying a goddamn flood over here. This fucking sucks. I don't want anyone to go through this. I jus want to take out all the pain and suffering in this world. I just want peace love and happiness. Why do we have to have all this negative stuff? It's not good. It's not good for your health.

I really feel sober now. I'm crying like the world is ending tomorrow. It already feels like it today. I don't even know where I'll be or what I'll do within the next twenty four hours. It seems like I need time to myself, but I'm not sure if that's the right decision for me to be alone. I don't know what to do. Hold my hand please someone. I'm scared of what will become of me. I'm so scared for my life. I feel like I won't have the courage to move on. Okay well apparently my eyes are still huge. Maybe I'm not okay. I just want to be okay now. It's not even a full day.