Fucked over.

I hella regret everything. I'm so mad at myself for ruining my own life. I honestly just want to die because I feel like I have nothing more to live for. This is going to suck. I don't know what to do! But I so deserve this. I just wish I can just reverse things. I want everything to be better. I just want to talk to him right now. Most people are sleeping right now.

I feel like I shouldn't have told him at all. But I don't want to keep secrets. We have that great relationship where we don't hide things. It was beautiful. I knew I had to tell him. I knew he was going to be upset because I'm being a hypocrite. I didn't want him to do it and here I am doing. But what really pissed me off was that he though I was doing it to fool around. Hell no. That was not apart of the purpose. I just wanna have a good time. Those acts don't need to be done in order for me to have fun. I did this because I thought it would help me. It sort of did. I think differently and maybe it'll help change me into a different person. I also have to admit that it was for some attention. Like honestly this wasn't even planned. I thought I was going to drink but they asked me and I was just like okay. Maybe living on the edge isn't a great idea. I feel like I'm falling off it.

I seemed like he was opposite of me. Everything was so negative. I couldn't believe it. I'm scared to see the IM's and texts later. I don't think I should. I would be even more mad. I am such a failure as a person. Not to him but to everyone including my parents. I wish I wasn't such a fuck up. I want everyone to be happy.

This is never going to work. I don't think things will ever be the same. I don't know what to do. I need him. I fucking need him. I don't just want him but I think I might need him in order for me to leave. I can't believe this is happening. My world is falling apart before my eyes. There's nothing I can do. I don't know anyone possible who may be going through what I'm going through. I just want to cry and go to sleep.

I'm just being so blogative. It's because people are sleeping or like... Other stuff. I feel like everyones sick of me because I've been talking about him all night. Things just really didn't go my way. I just want to jump off this couch and be that ballerina. I have no energy. No motivation. Nothing. I feel empty. Like I'm not even real. Like I'm not even here right now.

I just want everyone to be happy. It seems like everyone will be happier without me. He made it so clear. He said he wished we never met. My heart has never hurt this bad before. I am just longing for him. I fucking tucked up dude. I am so upset. I need to stop thinking this. I have to get over it. Bye.